Year 1:
“I send my condolences to your family and hope you the best.
In the case that you die, please send back the insurance information. You won't
need it, and it's not a part of the condolences to your family.”
Nonions – February 14, 2013
“I once met a man
who lived in a large concrete cactus. He told me about the wonders of gravity.
If I remember correctly, he wanted me to know about the edibility of gravity.”
Loafs of Meat –
March 14, 2013
“Instead of a post
this week, I thought I'd share with you the time I went to Oregon. I've never
been to Oregon, but it's a good story none the less.”
Oregon – March 28,
2013
“I mean, there's a large difference between goats and
plutonium.”
Plamps – April 4, 2013
“I'm bound by contract to not say things, but I can say
things about my not being able to say things. That's called cannibalism.”
Grand Rapids, Nebraska – April 25, 2013
“They’re probably trying to get me to reveal my secret
identity as Doesn’t Own a Chrysler Man.”
Gerbil Leader – May 2, 2013
“For those who are from Greenland, you're not from
Greenland. No one is from Greenland, and you're a liar.”
Oh Today’s Thursday – May 23, 2013
“Even Ukrainians from Oregon haven't seen ghost liquid of
this caliber.”
Ghost Liquid – July 11, 2013
“The cargo ship is brown, by the way.”
Musical Cacti – July 25, 2013
“Did you know that once a year the supercar of the sea
emerges from the ocean depths to lay its eggs? I did.”
Cabbage – August 8, 2013
“There wasn't much I could do about it considering it was
half a goat and it would be all like, super-not politically correct to not let
it do what it wanted.”
BUT I’M SLEEPY – October 3, 2013
“Goodnight Pepsi. That is what I would say if my son was
named Pepsi. And by named Pepsi I mean my son would have a superpower where he
could mutate, over the course of three and a half hours, into a severely flat
two liter bottle of Pepsi.”
Noodles and Pregnant Roasts, like the cooked ones – November
7, 2013
“Have you heard that one of Santa's favorite past times is
giving away free lawn chairs to the Homeless People with Middle Class Dwellings
Foundation? Like, not even the good lawn chairs either. One of those generic
white ones. You know what I'm talking about.”
Hopeful Economic Down Flips – December 19, 2013
“For those of you wondering, ejemplo is not a Spanish word.
Ejemplo (pronounced EE-jim-PLOE) is more important than anything you could
encounter in the Spanish wilderness.”
For Be the Ejemplo – January 23, 2014
Year 2:
“At this juncture, I do not currently possess the knowledge
for me to report the number of clams in business attire and/or have mustaches.”
Absurd Flatulence’s One Year Anniversary Post of
Extravaganza Beautiful – February 13, 2014
“I mean, sometimes you just have those friends that are like
hey you suck I don't like you and then later that same evening you get sad
because they died unexpectedly. Everyone has a friend like that.”
NEW but Not New or Improved Actually Just Old – March 6,
2014
“Welcome to Abflats, we're more truthful than North Korean
news companies.”
Goblin Hemo – April 17, 2014
“Basically, the seasons are in Gandhi types. There are
eleven types of Gandhi that the seasons could choose from every year.”
Pubble Ppace Pelescope – May 15, 2014
“I propose a plan to help the United States economy. It's no
ordinary plan either, it's a plan that would help the entire nobody. Anyway, my
plan is, theoretically, we kidnap the Big Ben clock tower.”
Gold Is Not Sometimes Colored Florescent Purple – May 22,
2014
“Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp
Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp
Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp
Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp
Burlp Burlp Burlp”
Happy Belated Shoe Day – June 5, 2014
“The very pressing topic that we need to address here on
Abflats is, you guessed it, burrito clothing.”
Pebbles and Their Hard to Pronounce Ancestors – July 3, 2014
“Finally, I just
simply put that I sometimes replace song lyrics with 'beef stroganoff' instead.
You know, like, beef stroganoff, beef stroganoff, how lovely are your branches?”
Galactic Subtraction Problems – July 17, 2014
“My idea is, we purchase two hippos from our local Africa
and put these hippos on a large yacht with "Gulf of Iran or Bust!"
painted on the side in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico.”
Plankton and the Magical Burritos – July 24, 2014
“Would you believe that Srebrinovo is a village in the
Panagyurishte municipality of western Bulgaria and has exactly twenty-five
inhabitants? Well you better believe it because it's true.”
Did You Even Can? – September 11, 2014
“Your name could be Phillips and you wouldn't even have
known it. Some people are born with Phillips, but others find out along the way
that they are Phillips. If you speak Spanish and your name is Spain Man, your
name could be Phillips.”
Burdens and Turtles – October 2, 2014
“Your name could be Pod Pod.”
Potato Diplomacy II – October 16, 2014
“Now, I don't know if you know this, but Don Domino is real.”
Hand Grenade Holiday – November 13, 2014
“Other than Florida, Minnesota is the only place where you
can see ground. No other place in the world exists. Florida and Minnesota are
the only two places on the entire world that have ground.”
Can Concrete Be Made From Cheese? – December 4, 2014
“There is a very widespread epidemic going around known as
grape salad, and it is sadly unknown by most of the population. Basically, it's
just a bowl of grapes. That's all grape salad is. But also, it contains lit
firecrackers. Lit firecrackers are also in grape salad.”
Hamburger Unhelpful – January 15, 2015
“The song would then be like, "Here comes my hat, doo
dee doo doo. Here comes my hat, and I say -- it's all right (doo doop)x4"
And the background video would just be a slow motion video of a black bowler
hat slightly rotating through space.”
Bridge the Cap – January 22, 2015
Year 3:
“But on Thanksgiving morning the people of a town in
northern Idaho woke up to like fifty brick chimneys just standing upright in
their town park.”
Absurd Flatulence’s Two Year Anniversary Post of
Extravaganza Beautiful –February 12, 2015
“You're probably one of those people who showed up to
science class that one day wearing a black balaclava and carrying a watermelon
in one arm and a machete in the opposite hand. Then when the teacher instructs
you to remove the skin on a cat, you stab the watermelon whilst simultaneously
screaming, "FIRE, FIRE, FIRE." I'm sure you're definitely one of
those people.”
Determining Hip Velocity – March 5, 2015
“Sometimes you just have to wear red shirts. And sometimes,
when wearing those red shirts, they slowly change from red to black colored,
usually horizontally, at a speed of about an inch per hour.”
Have? – April 23, 2015
“Q”
In Accordance – April 30, 2015
“It was a truly outstanding day when the cello was made. Of
course there should be something bigger than a violin, and of course that
something shouldn't be as big as a bass.”
Seventy Eight – May 7, 2015
“Recently, I came up with an idea for a new sport. The main premise
of the sport is evaporation. Basically, if you consider continental drift,
rounds last twenty minutes. After twenty minutes, the round is over. After a
round concludes, a new one begins. After the game is over a winner is crowned.”
Crops – June 11, 2015
“This paragraph is, traditionally, the one where I make up
words to fill the paragraph. Trashpop-gumbo could be one as well. I mean, we
may need it at some point. Trashpop-gumbo is definitely something that could
prove useful at any given moment. You cannot count trashpop-gumbo out of any
sort of competition.”
Situational Cramping – July 2, 2015
“Cab drivers sure are terrible. Have you seen them? They
have those weird, incredibly long noses. And they eat ants. Who does that? Like,
really. Oh wait, I'm thinking of ant-eaters.”
Tarp Flips – July 9, 2015
“There's nothing I love doing more than buying debt. Debt is
by far the best investment someone could ever make. It's like paying money to
have less money than what you used to pay. It's great.”
CHOI vs SORROWCHAMBERtm – August 13, 2015
“If you answered yes, then you win. But in a much more real
sense, you completely lose.”
Send Me the Bill, Like the Clinton – August 27, 2015
“And I'm not talking about Wyoming, I'm talking about being
on fire. Wyoming is much more desirable than being on fire. That calculation is
mostly affected by the fact that one of those states has Yellowstone National
Park in it. And Yellowstone National Park is desirable.”
Grilled Chair Not Cheese – September 3, 2015
“The next commercial just features Newt Gingrich playing the
tuba very badly.”
Faulty – September 24, 2015
“It occurred to me the other day that no one has yet to
monopolize the windshield business. My proposition involves the hijacking of
the windshield industry. I feel like my company should be named something
subtle, such as "We're Stealing the Windshield Business". Our inventory
will consist of every windshield to ever exist for any reason.”
Howier ManDELLTHECOMPANY – October 15, 2015
“Snakes on a Saturday afternoon with my mom just called me
and my dad just called me and my friends are so many people.”
The Only Way to Get a Job – October 22, 2015
“Speaking of forgetting things, you probably don't remember
ji plug pu - melon nai.”
Strange Shape – November 19, 2015
“If people living in the United Arab Emirates looked almost
directly to the east, they would notice something odd. A bad Oman, some might
say.”
Ward Off Predators, Specifically Bats – November 26, 2015
“There is absolutely no possible way that the moon is real.
I mean look at it. First of all, it's round. We all know that round things
don't exist. Secondly, it's craterous. Now, when was the last time you saw
something real AND craterous.”
Dolphins for President – December 10, 2015
“First of all, what
kind of bank loans elephants. Commerce? Probably not. I'm sure there are not
many banks in the world dealing in largest land mammals. Second, what would the
interest rate be for a loan of this type?”
Zero Tolerance Bean Dip – January 28, 2016
Year 4:
“Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam
Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam
Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam
Guam.”
Guam – February 11, 2016
“Please question the ethics of salmon. They are the worst
people, morally speaking. They think it's okay to step on someone's foot and
not apologize.”
Souper Man – March 17, 2016
“For the fourth time Nancy, you can't dress up as the Weimar
Republic. It's just not natural. You'll start off being worth like a quarter of
a US dollar. But then in only nine years you'll be worth like one
four-trillionth of a US dollar.”
Souper Man – April 14, 2016
“Well, what do they say about the guy that finishes
fifteenth? I'll tell you what they say. They say that he is not far from being
in sixteenth. And we all know what they say about the guy who comes sixteenth.
That's right. He wears sweater vests. Just for reference, the guy who comes in
thirty eighth is usually considered a communist.”
Soup in a Bucket, Soup in a Shoe – May 5, 2016
“You were both probably thinking, "wow this isn't a
good idea but I'm doing it anyway." Then Putin probably thought, "wow
am i russian or what."”
Zombie Baked Goods – June 9, 2016
“Don't you DARE follow your dreams. Buy a Cadillac.”
Dimes and Waterballoons – July 21, 2016
“Speaking of floors, did you know that the first floor ever
was designed by Edgar Lubius in his shoe shop in downtown New York City in
1851. It was a revolutionary invention that would spark architectural design
for decades to come.”
Don’t The Always – August 4, 2016
“You probably buy clothes at the soup store.”
Fold a Bottle of Syrup – August 11, 2016
“Professors from all over the world giggle in back rooms at
the notion of lumberjacks. Simply put, professors think lumberjacks are silly
and useless. If professors had it their way, all lumberjacks would be turned
into something better, say a loaf of fresh milk.”
The United Plates – September 8, 2016
“I will eradicate the vegetable-fruit population. I don't
mean the fruit and vegetable population. I mean the vegetable-fruit population.
That is to say, vegetables that are also fruits. Some examples of these
mythical edibles include ,, +=error.”
Ground Up Soda Machines – September 29, 2016
“Finally, emit the loudest audible scream you have ever
produced in your many years of existence. Go as loud as conceivably possible.
Don't stop until your face starts to turn bright purple. Congratulations. You
spoke braille.”
How To Speak Braille – October 6, 2016
“Time, indeed, for another one of Alarmingly Realistic Fried
Shrimp Emoji's famous rap songs. That's right. A famous song that is in the rap
genre written by Alarmingly Realistic Fried Shrimp Emoji.”
Tortilla Government – October 27, 2016
“For far too long, buoys have been the bane of humankind's
existence.”
Don’t Torment Me – November 10, 2016
“You could have ten necks and not even know it. I'm serious.
You could have exactly ten necks. No more, no less. You may think you have only
one neck. But you could have ten. Ten freaking necks. Think of your neck. Now
think of ten of those exact necks, all attached to your upper torso.”
Seven Bags of Working Class Snails – December 1, 2016
“Snakes, in general, are just sentient tubes. Since snakes
have the same shape throughout, they can be thought of as stupid.”
The Anteater Olympics – December 29, 2016
“⠪⠲⠠⠡⠀⠢⠾⡆⠪⠉⠑⡀⠺⠀⠙⠿⡆⡽⡾⢦⠀⠐⠨⠤⡋⡓⠀⠛⠵⠾⠋
⠢⠁⠀⠡⠐⠢⠴⠖⠀⠍⠡⠴⠮⠮⠀⠍⠩⠣⠷⡈⡈⡖⡲⠀⠍⠡⠲ ⠀
⠕⠨⡇⠀⠌⠟⠎⠑⡊⠀⠐⠫⠽⠷⠁⠍ ⠾⡜⡚⡒⠠⠀⠏⠾⠴⠗⠣⠿⠀⠄⠴⠹⠐⡉⠣⠺”
How To
Read Braille – January 12, 2017
“I mean
just look how it balances out the goatee on this goat. Total hair control.”
Abflats’ Extra Special Magical Four Year Anniversary
Extravaganza Post Part One: The Penultimate
Well that's that. This is more than likely the longest post in Absurd Flatulence history. Blogspot's software is becoming very very buggy.
At any rate, those were some of the bestest quotes from this very
website that I could find. There's probably some more good ones out
there, BUT NO ONE WILL EVER SEE THEM BECAUSE IT'S LIKE FINDING THE
THINNEST NEEDLE IN THE BIGGEST HAYSTACK I MEAN COME ON. Anyway, that
does it for Absurd Flatulence. Feel free to go back and read each of
those posts that the quotes came from. They're pretty good in their
entirety. Until next time(which is never because Abflats is ending)!
This concludes our broadcast day.
-Griffin
