Candles Only

Today is the day in which I am going to write this post. Mostly because the last post was on the 20th and 20+7 is 27 and today is the 27th and happy birthday. I'm going to make an effort to put at least one math problem in my posts. I feel this country needs more exposure to math. Like, if I were to say, that, commas, look. Sometimes I get emails from the ghost of Christmas past. His real name is Corppie. It's really weird, I know.

If I know you, and I'm pretty sure I don't, we should totally start a candle company called Candles Only. Our specialty will be garage doors, but we'll also install sushi. It could seriously be profitable. I had no idea what color it could be until I googled 'what color could it be.' I haven't actually googled that so I still have no idea. I'm sure it will be purple or something. Have I told you the one about the internet? It's got fourteen different flavored ice creams installed inside it. So, just go to your favorite news site, and eat your monitor. It could taste like pistachio or something I don't know what your favorite ice cream is. 

If I were to rain immediately after large barn house animals fell from the sky, would that aggravate you? And I don't mean your everyday barn house animals. I mean rhinos and newly born giraffes. You know I just found out that giraffes are communist? Like what the crap? How can giraffes have the brain power to have a system of government that obviously doesn't work, but not have the brain power to be able to see that it doesn't work. It's absurd. I hate giraffes and their fascist governments. Down with parliament.

-Griffin
 

Sensational Burning

Today is Thursday because the last post was on March 13th and today is March 20th and 13 + 7 is 20 and that means that it was a week ago since it was Thursday which means it is Thursday again. Thank you everyone. Have you heard about the professional cabbage sunbathing competition? It's where cabbages from all over the world get together and compete with eachother by sunbathing. It basically is just a big group of cabbages on the ground. But it's the sunbathing competition, I assure you. There is also a competition where sunny-side-up eggs do long jump. That one is in Oregon. I spectated those games on my vacation there when I met that yodeling hobo or whatever it was that I found I cannot remember it was probably a goat.

We should continue our conversation about the cabbage competition. It is seriously appealing to anyone who fancies cabbage and or competing. If you're competitive, then you probably like competitions. So point for you. If you also like cabbage, then you'll probably like the cabbage competition. That's two points mister. Do you know what two points can get you in this town? Probably not much because of inflation, but maybe a cheeseburger or something. Sometimes, in preparation for the competitions, cabbages will paint themselves bright pink to throw off the other competitors. The theory is that the other cabbage will see the bright pink cabbage out of their peripheral vision and think that it was another cabbage burning. This will force very 'oh yeah i totally got this' thoughts from the cabbage, thus making them perform less valiantly than they otherwise would. I can't say for sure if this strategy works, but I know some cabbages that do this just in case.

If we were to talk about meatloaf in this third, and final, paragraph, would that offend you? I mean, I know talking about Salisbury steak has the possibility of offending some people. I am not sure about meatloaf though. It's just like hamburger meat cooked in the shape of a loaf of bread. It's really good. There's some spicy kinds that you can make, and it goes well with ketchup. I really hope this doesn't offend you because I just talked about it. Four the future depends diapers.

-Griffin

Lamps and How to Infiltrate Their Families

Today, I am going to do something different. I am going to talk about lamps and how to infiltrate their families. By reading this, you have signed up for this mission that we have been given by intelligently colored rocks. We were assigned to figure out why lamps have families and how they act with said families. I have a few steps in mind in order to get to the bottom of this major social dilemma. It's very important that we complete this in a timely manner. Because if we don't, lamps will continue to have families and we will have no idea why or how they act with those families. Why on earth would you want to postpone this extremely important gathering?

Firstly, I would like to make note that lamps travel in groups. Rarely will you see a lamp by itself. So killing one and taking it's clothes in order to disguise yourself as a lamp will be a challenge. If, and when, we get a disguise, the next part of the mission will also be very difficult. Every so often, there is a mass gathering of the lamp kind in cities across the nation. We must get into that gathering and find the main, 'Mama Lamp'. Sources have told us that is what the lamps call their leader. We need to get into the lamp gathering and observe the Mama Lamp's actions and movements. We don't even know how lamps are able to move yet, so accomplishing this mission will give us a plethora of valuable information.

So, that is my plan for figuring out what the lamps are all about. I hope you will consider my ideas and possibly implement them into your own mission plans. If I can be of any further assistance, please don't hesitate to look somewhere else for answers. The lamps will be compromised, I can guarantee it. They will no longer be living in the shadows of their own light. We will expose them. We will not surrender. We will not negotiate with the lamp kind. They are done.

-Griffin

NEW but Not New or Improved Actually Just Old

Oh! Welcome to March! It's the month of my born! It's March! The shortened version of March is March! If you're lazy and improper, you may think that it's Mar. You are completely wrong and I hate you. If you do not know the difference between March and Mar then you should be turned into a pie and slowly cooked and by slowly cooked I mean put into a freezer and by turned into a pie I mean sent an angry letter and by put into the freezer I mean not send the letter at all. It's a really confusing situation that you have got us in, Not-Abbreviating-March-Correctly-Man/Woman. If I wanted to be politically correct, I would have called you Not-Abbreviating-March-Correctly-Thing. That, however, is dumb and you should be ashamed.

Now it's time to talk about the contents that will make up the second paragraph of this post. Because really, if you know what I'm going to say then we should just say it right? I mean, sometimes you just have those friends that are like hey you suck I don't like you and then later that same evening you get sad because they died unexpectedly. Everyone has a friend like that. If you don't know what I mean, then please ask yourself this question. Why do people I don't know keep sending me wall decorations? If you don't know the answer to that very personal and psychological question then you should probably be put to rest. And by put to rest I'm referring to the situation we had before with March and Mar. The whole situation just keeps getting more and more complicated in the large web of situations that are kept at all youR local banks.

There is a certain implication among the lizard people. Basically, they think it's a good idea to act like lizards instead of people. I simply don't understand this. If lizard people won't act like people even some of the time, why are they even called lizard people? Chances are, if you walk up to a lizard person that you found on a tree or something, you will see it just as a lizard. Well, it's a lizard person. They are just too afraid to show their real identities, even while everyone already knows it's half person. Really lizard people. You need to be transparent with your dealings. Stop regrowing tails and be a person half the time. Thanks.

-Griffin

Barely Below Boxingham Credentials

Sometimes breathing is a challenge for people who like becoming professional large intestines. Mostly because large intestines do not have lungs. But partly because they are fat and not in shape at all so they get short of breath easily. They really need to try and get fitter. And by fitter I mean Philly Cheese Steak. It's not even steak at all because of all the plastic protein. You cannot have plastic protein and still think you'll be able to qualify as steak. Why else would they hold the annual steak qualifier just making sure your not plastic protein event? It makes no sense otherwise. How else could you know? COME ON.

I would just like to say that hello and welcome to the Hemoglobin National Cup where the athletes are down in their pordapodies and ready to compete in today's events. I'll be your server this evening. Would you like to start off with a nice clam chowder? We have a wide assortment of quality couches at our disposal and we're not afraid to use them during a raid in your house. It's quite convenient for us to do this and we will certainly destroy your front door. Just because you cannot hear us does not mean we are there. We will find you, and we will destroy your front door because we will bring couches and then destroy your front door. Oat.

I really don't have much else to say about the fact that your front door will be destroyed no matter what you do. You can run. You can hide. You can even remove your front door and destroy it yourself in order to prevent us from destroying it. But I assure you, we will destroy your front door no matter what the cost. We'd rather let all of ourselves die just to destroy your front door. We'd even trade you our couches in order to get a crack at destroying your front door. Even though we will not have to trade our couches for that opportunity, we nonetheless are prepared for that occurrence. Just don't go to Montreal.

-Griffin  

Are You in Prison

Have you ever noticed how infections are like abundant in places that have an excess amount of kangaroo and tortoise populations? It's really strange. It may just be a coincidence, but I feel that if we simply moved all of the kangaroos and tortoises to some secret location where Russia couldn't find them, we could lower the amount of infection rates. It's really a lot simpler than people, mainly philanthropists, think. We don't need to spend eighty billion dollars researching diseases and stuff. That's a lot of money. We could easily just move all of the kangaroos and tortoises somewhere secret for like twenty thousand dollars or something. I mean come on.

What if you could choose your own natural disasters? What if at the beginning of a town's existence, the town council could hold a vote to pick it's own custom natural disaster that would happen there? If I were on the council, I would seriously delegate my focus to getting the natural disaster of giant bean burrito voted as our town's natural disaster. I sincerely believe that the benefits to a giant bean burrito destroying your town outweigh the drawbacks by a landslide. The first benefit is that you'll make national news, guaranteed. Maybe even international. You'll be the first town ever to get destroyed by a giant bean burrito, and people will want to see that. Second, when the giant bean burrito is prowling around town, he'll surely leave giant beans in his wake that you can eat for free. Beans are really good, but paying for them is not. This way you can get them for free, and they'll be giant so you'll have plenty of leftovers. Thirdly, it will smell really good for a long time. Mexican food always smells good, but think about how good giant Mexican food will be. The smell will engulf the entire region. Those are the main benefits to a giant bean burrito attacking your town. The only drawbacks that I can see is that it would be unkillable, and that your town would be destroyed. So, as you can see, the benefits destroy the drawbacks. Vote giant bean burrito as your town's natural disaster.

I don't really have much more to say. I just wanted to let you know about the pressing factors in today's political controversies. It is really important that you pay attention to stuff like that. If you don't, you could have a giant bean burrito blow up your house with no advanced warning. No one wants that to happen. You won't have time to pack all of your things into anti giant bean and sour cream bins. How would you survive? You probably wouldn't. So, that's all I had to say for today. I hope you're having a fun weekend even though it's Thursday like always. Goodbye. Haha I'm not actually ending this post with an endy word. That's absurd. HAHAHAEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sorry

-Griffin

Absurd Flatulence's One Year Anniversary Post of Extravaganza Beautiful

HELLO AND WELCOME TO THIS BEAUTIFUL AND EXTRAVAGANT POST OF BEAUTY AND EXTRAVAGANCE! It’s Absurd Flatulence’s ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY! Like really! Abflats is now one year old. Well, technically, Abflats’s’s first post was February 14, 2013. HOWEVER, since posts only appear on this page on Thursdays, this is the best that we can do. SO WE’RE ALL GONNA CELEBRATE THIS LAST POST OF ABFLATS;S-2 FIRST YEAR! I also, henceforth, initiate this annual post to be known as Absurd Flatulence’s One Year Anniversary Post of Extravaganza Beautiful. It is such a catchy name, like Omar. You will be blown away by all the extremely fun text reading you have planned ahead. I only assume you plan to read all of this post if you’ve come this far. I mean, why would you read up to the middle of the first paragraph, and not even finish? That’s laziness. We don’t tolerate laziness in the Marine Corps., so why should we here? Exactly. You can’t even finish your sentence yet because there is absolutely no way. ABSOLUTELY. NO. WAY. I’ve been trying to come up with things to talk about in this post, and I have literally thought of nothing. I’m sort of just winging it right at the moment. It’s a rocky start I know, but it’s only the first one. I’m sure next year’s Anniversary Post of Extravaganza Beautiful will be ten times better than the one currently in front of your eyes. You may even work for a variety of advertising agencies by then. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Wow that was extremely scary. I am writing

this post in Microsoft Word, because it’s an

important post and I’m professional, and it

all of a sudden crashed and stopped

responding. I was very afraid I had lost that

entire first paragraph. I started crying, but it

got recovered when I reopened Word. SO IT

ALL GOOD. Anyway, look at how narrow this

paragraph is! IT’S CRAZY. I just wanted to spice

things up a bit, because that’s always good.

Unless of course, you’re a website wanting

to change its design. Then you’re an idiot

and I hate you. I would not be surprised at

all if a giant mutant koala hunted you down

and made you watch while it ate your family

pets. Seriously. Stop changing your website

designs. You are a corrupt people. Really. Hey,

this paragraph looks a lot longer than it actually

is because it’s so narrow. Maybe I should start

writing regular posts like this. I think it could

make Abflats look a respectable length. Someone

could see that you’re on your computer and see

Abflats, and they’ll be all like, “Woah, you must be

really smart to be reading something so long.” And

then you’ll swiftly ask them to vacate the premises

because they’ll want to see what you were reading.

People should not find out about us. They will want

to get in on the garbage eating contests, and I really

want to keep those on the DOWN LOW. If you

know what I mean.

It has recently come to my attention that there is quite a large number of clams, like from the sea, that wear business attire. I do not know why this is occurring. Where did we go wrong? Did, perhaps, someone botch a very important company meeting wherein their boss proceeded to call them as useful as a clam in a suit? Maybe the clams do not like to be referred to as an insult to other, non-clams species. Such that of the human. At this juncture, I do not currently posses the knowledge for me to report the number of clams in business attire and/or have mustaches. A percentage would be quite useful in this situation, if someone had one. I will leave you on this note: it is in your greatest of interests that you look out for these angered business clams. We do not know what they are capable of. But we do know that they are wearing a suit, and that if they are capable of that they could be dangerous. Please do be careful. Hanukkah.

-Griffin