Absurd Flatulence's One Year Anniversary Post of Extravaganza Beautiful

HELLO AND WELCOME TO THIS BEAUTIFUL AND EXTRAVAGANT POST OF BEAUTY AND EXTRAVAGANCE! It’s Absurd Flatulence’s ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY! Like really! Abflats is now one year old. Well, technically, Abflats’s’s first post was February 14, 2013. HOWEVER, since posts only appear on this page on Thursdays, this is the best that we can do. SO WE’RE ALL GONNA CELEBRATE THIS LAST POST OF ABFLATS;S-2 FIRST YEAR! I also, henceforth, initiate this annual post to be known as Absurd Flatulence’s One Year Anniversary Post of Extravaganza Beautiful. It is such a catchy name, like Omar. You will be blown away by all the extremely fun text reading you have planned ahead. I only assume you plan to read all of this post if you’ve come this far. I mean, why would you read up to the middle of the first paragraph, and not even finish? That’s laziness. We don’t tolerate laziness in the Marine Corps., so why should we here? Exactly. You can’t even finish your sentence yet because there is absolutely no way. ABSOLUTELY. NO. WAY. I’ve been trying to come up with things to talk about in this post, and I have literally thought of nothing. I’m sort of just winging it right at the moment. It’s a rocky start I know, but it’s only the first one. I’m sure next year’s Anniversary Post of Extravaganza Beautiful will be ten times better than the one currently in front of your eyes. You may even work for a variety of advertising agencies by then. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Wow that was extremely scary. I am writing

this post in Microsoft Word, because it’s an

important post and I’m professional, and it

all of a sudden crashed and stopped

responding. I was very afraid I had lost that

entire first paragraph. I started crying, but it

got recovered when I reopened Word. SO IT

ALL GOOD. Anyway, look at how narrow this

paragraph is! IT’S CRAZY. I just wanted to spice

things up a bit, because that’s always good.

Unless of course, you’re a website wanting

to change its design. Then you’re an idiot

and I hate you. I would not be surprised at

all if a giant mutant koala hunted you down

and made you watch while it ate your family

pets. Seriously. Stop changing your website

designs. You are a corrupt people. Really. Hey,

this paragraph looks a lot longer than it actually

is because it’s so narrow. Maybe I should start

writing regular posts like this. I think it could

make Abflats look a respectable length. Someone

could see that you’re on your computer and see

Abflats, and they’ll be all like, “Woah, you must be

really smart to be reading something so long.” And

then you’ll swiftly ask them to vacate the premises

because they’ll want to see what you were reading.

People should not find out about us. They will want

to get in on the garbage eating contests, and I really

want to keep those on the DOWN LOW. If you

know what I mean.

It has recently come to my attention that there is quite a large number of clams, like from the sea, that wear business attire. I do not know why this is occurring. Where did we go wrong? Did, perhaps, someone botch a very important company meeting wherein their boss proceeded to call them as useful as a clam in a suit? Maybe the clams do not like to be referred to as an insult to other, non-clams species. Such that of the human. At this juncture, I do not currently posses the knowledge for me to report the number of clams in business attire and/or have mustaches. A percentage would be quite useful in this situation, if someone had one. I will leave you on this note: it is in your greatest of interests that you look out for these angered business clams. We do not know what they are capable of. But we do know that they are wearing a suit, and that if they are capable of that they could be dangerous. Please do be careful. Hanukkah.

-Griffin