Normally, I don't start out an Abflats post with the word 'normally'. But today is different. I felt today felt like a day that felt like when you would feel like starting off an Abflats post with the word 'normally'. It's a great. So long as Hal Williams doesn't get you. Then you would be in trouble. I mean, he's almost as bad as Alabama, the state. Alabama the state is really forgetful though. I mean, just look at their nature. They haven't watered their nature in years, silly rascal that Alabama. I bet if we annexed Alabama, the people there would still neglect to water the nature. The nature needs water, Alabama, can't you see that?
Speaking of Alabama, have you seen that new double decker mustache trend? It's a trend wherein more than the usual number of people can be seen wearing double decker mustaches. What double decker mustaches are is really very simple. Imagine a normal mustache on someone's upper lip, and then imagine another normal mustache right above that one, also on someone's upper lip. It's just two mustaches one on top of the other. They're pretty neat except for the foul odor that it produces that still baffles scientists.
It's really a mystery as to why buildings need to be purple. In reality, you would expect buildings not having to be purple. I assure you that they do in fact need to be purple. You may be saying, "but I've seen buildings that aren't purple before." You may be right, however, you have not considered the fact that you maybe don't know your colors. Purple is a mixture of red and blue with generally more blue than red. It's sometimes called violet by people who I don't like to associate with. You should learn these things.
-Griffin
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
How Did You Know I Studied Plant Logic
If there's one thing that I know, and I'm fairly certain that I know more than one thing, it is that there is of course. Without it, there would be no. And that is something, as a society, we cannot afford. We cannot afford there to be no. If there were no, then there wouldn't be any. Can you imagine none? Probably too incomprehensible. You just cannot fathom how little. I'm really sorry that you had to experience April 7th, 2005. That was a really horrible time for everyone involved. It was all my fault and I am not sorry I mean I am sorry.
Lake shows are a lot like gun shows. Some organization, typically the National Lake Association, will rent out this large warehouse or civic building, and have people from all over the area bring in their lakes so people can look at them. It's really great. They have a special conference in Chicago which lasts forty hours. There, people are given a chance to bring in the Great Lakes. It's truly a sight to behold. Like, imagine elephants sitting on a coffee table. But instead of an elephant it's a giant body of water. And instead of a coffee table it's a warehouse or civic building.
Tortillas are the worst people around. You try to have a simple conversation with them, and they just sit there being round and flat. What jerks those tortillas are. I heard that they even support the Nazis. It's a drastic measure for the tortillas to get attention, but truly startling nonetheless. I hope you read this, tortillas. You need to stop it. You're just making fools of yourselves. Please do not continue your dumb style of life.
-Griffin
Lake shows are a lot like gun shows. Some organization, typically the National Lake Association, will rent out this large warehouse or civic building, and have people from all over the area bring in their lakes so people can look at them. It's really great. They have a special conference in Chicago which lasts forty hours. There, people are given a chance to bring in the Great Lakes. It's truly a sight to behold. Like, imagine elephants sitting on a coffee table. But instead of an elephant it's a giant body of water. And instead of a coffee table it's a warehouse or civic building.
Tortillas are the worst people around. You try to have a simple conversation with them, and they just sit there being round and flat. What jerks those tortillas are. I heard that they even support the Nazis. It's a drastic measure for the tortillas to get attention, but truly startling nonetheless. I hope you read this, tortillas. You need to stop it. You're just making fools of yourselves. Please do not continue your dumb style of life.
-Griffin
Thursday, March 12, 2015
We're Looking for Not Bridges
If your name was Dwight, I mean come on. Come ooooooon. COM AOOOOOOON. That's not your name. There's nothing really more to say during this Abflats post, so I will just simply fill the rest of the space with sentences and words. If you cannot breathe, don't try. Why waste your energy on something you can't succeed at? Don't waist it either, because that's not a verb. Silk worms are about the same as regular worms except they were produced in a factory China. They're also polyester, not real silk.
What does a physical number look like? I mean, like a real number? Not the amount of something there, I mean the number itself. What do they look like? What do they smell like? Do you think number five smells like berries? Maybe thirteen smells like detergent. Maybe the government is getting all these smells for berries and laundry detergent from their secret number farm in South Dakota. We should demand Obama tell us about the number farms. Us, as tax payers, deserve to know where our smells are coming from.
What if it was raining so hard that the entire atmosphere turned into water, and the drops falling from the sky was actually air? That would be a magical time. I mean, what if you saw a puffer fish flying by your mailbox. That would be amazing. Puffer fish are hilarious I mean they're like living balloons. What if a child put on his Christmas list that he wanted Santa to attend his birthday party? Would the world explode? I suspect so.
-Griffin
What does a physical number look like? I mean, like a real number? Not the amount of something there, I mean the number itself. What do they look like? What do they smell like? Do you think number five smells like berries? Maybe thirteen smells like detergent. Maybe the government is getting all these smells for berries and laundry detergent from their secret number farm in South Dakota. We should demand Obama tell us about the number farms. Us, as tax payers, deserve to know where our smells are coming from.
What if it was raining so hard that the entire atmosphere turned into water, and the drops falling from the sky was actually air? That would be a magical time. I mean, what if you saw a puffer fish flying by your mailbox. That would be amazing. Puffer fish are hilarious I mean they're like living balloons. What if a child put on his Christmas list that he wanted Santa to attend his birthday party? Would the world explode? I suspect so.
-Griffin
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Determining Hip Velocity
Welcome to the time in which now is the time in which it is right now. Why yes, that is one way to skin a cat. However, I would just like to point out that you have just stabbed a watermelon, and in no way are you removing the skin on a cat. You selfish human being. You probably wear a balaclava, don't you? You're probably one of those people who showed up to science class that one day wearing a black balaclava and carrying a watermelon in one arm and a machete in the opposite hand. Then when the teacher instructs you to remove the skin on a cat, you stab the watermelon whilst simultaneously screaming, "FIRE, FIRE, FIRE." I'm sure you're definitely one of those people.
Speaking of breakfast, did you know that facts are not always factual? Yes, I'm aware of the contradiction of interests with that statement. My interests mostly pertain to used, full-sized vans, however. There's really nothing you can do except get a good deal with no money down interest rates for ninety days when buying a used, full-sized van. It doesn't even have to be a blue van. It could literally be any color of van you desire, given that someone owned the van before you. The van may even be equipped with suppression capabilities. This means that the muzzle flash, recoil, and sound is all suppressed to where you can drive the van without wearing ear protection. No, a balaclava does not count as ear protection.
Asking if there were fatalities during a mass suicide of pigeons is probably not an appropriate question to ask a four year old. Sure, they may have a small understanding of what pigeon death is, but they cannot be expected to know what the word 'fatalities' means. They may not have even ever seen a pigeon before. They could live somewhere like Nova Scotia, where there has literally never been a pigeon. There will never be pigeons present in Nova Scotia. I'll make sure of that.
-Griffin
Speaking of breakfast, did you know that facts are not always factual? Yes, I'm aware of the contradiction of interests with that statement. My interests mostly pertain to used, full-sized vans, however. There's really nothing you can do except get a good deal with no money down interest rates for ninety days when buying a used, full-sized van. It doesn't even have to be a blue van. It could literally be any color of van you desire, given that someone owned the van before you. The van may even be equipped with suppression capabilities. This means that the muzzle flash, recoil, and sound is all suppressed to where you can drive the van without wearing ear protection. No, a balaclava does not count as ear protection.
Asking if there were fatalities during a mass suicide of pigeons is probably not an appropriate question to ask a four year old. Sure, they may have a small understanding of what pigeon death is, but they cannot be expected to know what the word 'fatalities' means. They may not have even ever seen a pigeon before. They could live somewhere like Nova Scotia, where there has literally never been a pigeon. There will never be pigeons present in Nova Scotia. I'll make sure of that.
-Griffin
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Pickle Can't Why Should You
You really need to quit it on the bean dip. The prospect of bean dip has been adequately exhausted and should no longer be mentioned. Stop talking about bean dip. Nothing you could say about bean dip will further my liking for bean dip. It is as already as high as it can be. Really. There is absolutely no need whatsoever to continue saying words regarding the dipped bean. It's incredibly annoying to have your continued, vocal support for a dip in which is made of various bean types. Mostly beef though.
Just don't forget to understand why you are the way of the wind. You can't. Only. It's as extremely sorry that the one should become for which is the today in Sunday please stop it. Burgundy is a pretty cool color, though. Like, purpley-red. That's pretty sweet. Even if it's purpley-red. It couldn't be better. Really. You should have quit while you were ahead about talking with the bean dip. If you threw the bean dip through the air, and then someone caught it, would it be unintentional grounding? Maybe. Whose insurance would you like to purchase today? Tom's? Tom has a good plan it's millions a month.
The way of this post has been extreme in the context of having context. This week was a week of where the post this week would have extreme precedents. No trial and error necessary, just error. I can't even fathom what I am trying to say at all times. Really though, the people who are dressed up as clowns aren't really that scary. It's the real-life, clown creatures that you should be afraid of. Don't belt.
-Griffin
Just don't forget to understand why you are the way of the wind. You can't. Only. It's as extremely sorry that the one should become for which is the today in Sunday please stop it. Burgundy is a pretty cool color, though. Like, purpley-red. That's pretty sweet. Even if it's purpley-red. It couldn't be better. Really. You should have quit while you were ahead about talking with the bean dip. If you threw the bean dip through the air, and then someone caught it, would it be unintentional grounding? Maybe. Whose insurance would you like to purchase today? Tom's? Tom has a good plan it's millions a month.
The way of this post has been extreme in the context of having context. This week was a week of where the post this week would have extreme precedents. No trial and error necessary, just error. I can't even fathom what I am trying to say at all times. Really though, the people who are dressed up as clowns aren't really that scary. It's the real-life, clown creatures that you should be afraid of. Don't belt.
-Griffin
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Blob Time Forever
How could you have known how little you could have known? That doesn't even make. Yes. Even if you were born in Wisconson, it won't help you now. The help you could have gotten with the fact that you were born in Wisconson is no longer available for getting. Not forgetting, getting. It's very simple; just be careful. Could it be the last time since Tuesday that a day starting with T appears on the weekly calendar? Probably not. Unless the sun explodes sometime between now and next Tuesday. There is a large probability that there will be a Tuesday next Tuesday. Give or take thirty.
Have you ever wondered how much better a nature television show would be if it was about ovens? Like, I mean ovens sliding through the desert in Africa. The ovens could be big, white colored, and extremely heavy, so they slide very slowly. Some Australian guy could be hiding behind a bush observing the oven on the television show and he would be "here we see the Sears Model 85A-CF8 approaching a stream as it performs its daily watering ritual." Then the oven would burst into flames with a grease fire, and it would start sliding through the desert in zig-zag motions with a slightly quicker speed than before.
Why are trees so discriminatory according to the Book of Racist Things? According to the Book of Racist Things, trees rank fourth. The only things in front of trees are frying pans, suit jackets, chalk, and, finally, bridges. Bridges are ranked first in the Book of Racist Things. The only reasons the book lists, though, is that sometimes they're orange. I don't understand things.
-Griffin
Have you ever wondered how much better a nature television show would be if it was about ovens? Like, I mean ovens sliding through the desert in Africa. The ovens could be big, white colored, and extremely heavy, so they slide very slowly. Some Australian guy could be hiding behind a bush observing the oven on the television show and he would be "here we see the Sears Model 85A-CF8 approaching a stream as it performs its daily watering ritual." Then the oven would burst into flames with a grease fire, and it would start sliding through the desert in zig-zag motions with a slightly quicker speed than before.
Why are trees so discriminatory according to the Book of Racist Things? According to the Book of Racist Things, trees rank fourth. The only things in front of trees are frying pans, suit jackets, chalk, and, finally, bridges. Bridges are ranked first in the Book of Racist Things. The only reasons the book lists, though, is that sometimes they're orange. I don't understand things.
-Griffin
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Absurd Flatulence's Two Year Anniversary Post of Extravaganza Beautiful
IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR ANOTHER YEAR ANNIVERSARY POST OF EXTRAVAGANZA BEAUTIFUL WE HAVEN'T DONE ONE OF THESE IN LIKE A YEAR AHAHAHAH. As you may know, Abflats' real anniversary is on February 14. I like to call this day Abflats Birthday Day. It's clearly the most important, and only, holiday that occurs on this day. I do have to apologize, as well, that this post is not occurring on February 14. Since it is physically and psychologically illegal for Abflats posts to occur on days other than Thursday, the Year Anniversary Post of Extravaganza Beautiful must occur on this Thursday now which is two days before. Last year it was only one day before. Now it's two. I'm so sorry. Don't worry, however, in 2019 the Year Anniversary Post of Extravaganza Beautiful can occur on February 14 so mark your cake calendar readers.
Did you know that it has never occurred to some people that chimneys have feelings too? I mean, that's like saying, "we're open 24/7 Monday through Friday." We need to stop oppressing them. They even picketed sometime in 2013 so they could get the right to vote. No one knows exactly when they started though. But on Thanksgiving morning the people of a town in northern Idaho woke up to like fifty brick chimneys just standing upright in their town park. No movement whatsoever. Just square, brick spires as far as the eye could see. They also found small, square picket signs with "chimneys are people too" written in red paint. No news actually reported it because of the horrifying images that would have been shown to people.
What if salt ruled the world? Like, the leader of every country was just a pile of salt. This could be portrayed in action movies about the Cold War too. "Sir! We need to set up international sanctions against the Russians!" then the camera quickly pans to a spilled salt shaker on top of the oval office desk. The president would be the only salt character in the movie too, since the movie would be trying to emulate real world situations. It would be the greatest action movie ever too. M. Night. Shmaeolaye901eon could direct it. Then at the end you find out that the salt has actually been calcium nitrate instead. It would be the most extreme extreme twist extreme in all movie kind.
Have you ever considered the type of letters in the Finnish alphabet? I mean, they're probably the same letters as ours. I have literally no experience at all with the Finnish language. They probably use shapes to speak. When you want a glass of water you somehow speak a square. It would get confused with asking for a crude oil drink as well because to get one of those you have to speak rectangle. It could be unbelievable if you use some shape that's unbelievable like one with sixteen dimensions.
In closing, I would like to thank all those trees out there for their continued support. I mean as like beams and house frames and stuff. They're really handy. Without wood our houses would be mostly nothing and we would be living in an empty plot with all our stuff. We'd still have plumbing though so that's okay I guess. On the other hand, trees are responsible for the mass murder of the world's elephants. How could you, trees? And to think we trusted you. That's it trees I no longer wish to thank you. You suck, trees.
-Griffin
Did you know that it has never occurred to some people that chimneys have feelings too? I mean, that's like saying, "we're open 24/7 Monday through Friday." We need to stop oppressing them. They even picketed sometime in 2013 so they could get the right to vote. No one knows exactly when they started though. But on Thanksgiving morning the people of a town in northern Idaho woke up to like fifty brick chimneys just standing upright in their town park. No movement whatsoever. Just square, brick spires as far as the eye could see. They also found small, square picket signs with "chimneys are people too" written in red paint. No news actually reported it because of the horrifying images that would have been shown to people.
What if salt ruled the world? Like, the leader of every country was just a pile of salt. This could be portrayed in action movies about the Cold War too. "Sir! We need to set up international sanctions against the Russians!" then the camera quickly pans to a spilled salt shaker on top of the oval office desk. The president would be the only salt character in the movie too, since the movie would be trying to emulate real world situations. It would be the greatest action movie ever too. M. Night. Shmaeolaye901eon could direct it. Then at the end you find out that the salt has actually been calcium nitrate instead. It would be the most extreme extreme twist extreme in all movie kind.
Have you ever considered the type of letters in the Finnish alphabet? I mean, they're probably the same letters as ours. I have literally no experience at all with the Finnish language. They probably use shapes to speak. When you want a glass of water you somehow speak a square. It would get confused with asking for a crude oil drink as well because to get one of those you have to speak rectangle. It could be unbelievable if you use some shape that's unbelievable like one with sixteen dimensions.
In closing, I would like to thank all those trees out there for their continued support. I mean as like beams and house frames and stuff. They're really handy. Without wood our houses would be mostly nothing and we would be living in an empty plot with all our stuff. We'd still have plumbing though so that's okay I guess. On the other hand, trees are responsible for the mass murder of the world's elephants. How could you, trees? And to think we trusted you. That's it trees I no longer wish to thank you. You suck, trees.
-Griffin
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