Doctor Progladosh

Welcome to this week's new and improved Abflats post. What makes this post new and improved, you ask? You bet! Alright, now we have many things to talk about during this post so I will stop wasting your time with these first few sentences. They really haven't served an adequate point to the post yet besides being a segway into what we are really going to talk about during the majority of this post. Also, according to this, segway is not a word which is a poor life choice considering it's a synonym for transition and also it is a thing with two wheels that moves based on weight distribution.

Alright, now that you have made it to the second paragraph, there are some steps you should take to make sure you have a safe trip throughout this Abflats post. First of all, tie all of your belongings down with bungee cables or polyurethane adhesive. Once that is complete, you will no longer be in danger of having your belongings not be tied down. The next step in preparedness is to find a job at your local pizza delivery place. This step is crucial to the next step. The third step is that you need to eliminate the Illuminati. Once the Illuminati is eliminated, you have done a good job.

Now we're getting to the real section of the post. This section is notorious for including various plant and insect life. Specifically, if you were to plant a tree, it may be in danger of dying. Allow me to elaborate. Scientists have estimated that there is a .00000000000000129838% of the sun exploding at any given time. Therefore, any tree you plant has the possibility of dying from sun explosion. You should always consider these facts when planting plants.

You have successfully arrived at paragraph four! I would congratulate you, but that is not an accomplishment. Also, I can safely assume you don't know how long it would take Mount Rushmore to completely erode into an unrecognizable state. Well, I'm here to give you that answer right now. It's roughly 7.2 million years. So, get your photos while there is still time.

-Griffin

Crops

This event right now is really quite unusual. I am actually writing a post before I become busy on a Thursday. I will still be busy later, but I'm actually writing a post this time instead of pretended to be a plant. Speaking of plants, do you know how many species of plants exist? Many. Many species. At least four. Maybe even more than four. That's all I could count when I was pretended to be a plant, though. I'm sure there are more plants than that though. The German folk probably know a lot more about that topic than I do, however. 

Speaking of Germany, have you seen the new oats? They're a lot better than their predecessor, boring oats. They're also round. They're round oats. If you put a lot of them in a bowl with mucus it makes oatmeal. How many oats does it take to make it an oat meal? Probably more than one. If you ate one oat it wouldn't be a very good meal. They probably even feed members of congress more food than that. A single oat is not part of a balanced breakfast. 

Recently, I came up with an idea for a new sport. The main premiss of the sport is evaporation. Basically, if you consider continental drift, rounds last twenty minutes. After twenty minutes, the round is over. After a round concludes, a new one begins. After the game is over a winner is crowned. I estimate that one game could last up to 40 years. Then the winner gets a prize in a bust of his own head. The bust is about sixteen feet wide and made of solid granite. After the winner wins, we lob the massive bust into his house at a speed of 30 to 91 meters per second. We sometimes use cattle prods, which are now rechargeable too. 

This will be the final paragraph of this week's Abflats post. I will try writing all future Abflats posts at a length of four paragraphs to make up for the many weeks of failure. I don't know how long the four paragraph posts will last, but I estimate that one game could last up to 40 years. Either way, the Mayans cannot reconquer the Arctic Circle for many reasons. The most important reason is that the Mayans never actually conquered the Arctic Circle to begin with. Another quite important reason is that all of the Mayans are dead. Okay bye.


-Griffin

I am the worst ever

okay so like every thursday for the past forever since I have been late on all posts I have had busy plans busy and I only ever get these plans planned for me during the thursdays time that I am not expecting so I am of sorry please forgive


forty mile long post next thursday i promise

-Griffin

ANOTHER BUSY THURSDAY

Welcome back to Abflats where the only times the author is busy is during Thursday night and he doesn't plan ahead so you're stuck getting nothing but unfortunate text words.

Here's another Q:

Q

-Griffin

Is it True?

Obviously the worst day in history was not the day maple syrup was invented. That stuff is really good. You can almost put it on anything. I say almost because the only exception I can think of is saloon doors. You know, those wooden, flappy doors that only cover the middle of door frame during the Western times. People wondered why there was so much crime back then, but it call be solely attributed to the fact that flappy, wooden doors that only covered half of a door frame offered literally zero protection against anything on the outside world, including crimes. 

This will probably be the last paragraph of today's Abflats post. It's not because I hate you, but it's because you're a Fig Newton and cannot tell time. If you could tell time, this whole paragraph would be a huge misunderstanding. Luckily for me, you're a jelly filled treat. What are your outer parts made of? Cookie material? I cannot comprehend the ingredients that go into making Fig Newton shells, and it causes me neck cramps just thinking about it. Don't migrate to North Arkansas.

-Griffin

Stupendous

Hello. Have you ever known anyone from Wisconsin? Maybe. Statistically speaking, however, it is much more likely that you haven't even heard of Wisconsin. Like, only about 5.8 million people live in Wisconsin. That's way less than one percent of the entire population of the Earth. It's like .08% of the population. If the earth was made up of one person, a .08 size chunk of that person would live in Wisconsin. It's probably his fingernails.

You wouldn't believe me when I told you that if you decide to stand up, you increase your chances of standing tenfold. Or maybe even tri-fold. Really, if you're standing, there is a huge chance that you're standing. And if you're standing, why aren't you sitting? If you were sitting, the chances of you to be standing are nearly zero. Almost exactly zero. Exactly zero. That's only if you're sitting, though. If you're playing piano, then you're not standing or sitting. No one ever mentions the position you sit in when you play piano. Mostly because it's basically sitting but with a few side effects. Heartburn is the biggest one.

Today, the biggest threat to bees is bees. Bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees. They're the biggest threat to bees. Oprah is a close second. Third is held by Ultra Duster Industrial Strength Air in a Can Duster Can Compressed Air Cans. You wouldn't really expect it, but salad is fourth.

-Griffin

 

 

 

Seventy Eight

Is it likely that someone as competent as a walnut would run a store for a clothing franchise? Probably not. But walnuts are more competent than they lead you to believe. It's said that walnuts have been listed as one of the 38 substances used to prepare Bach flower remedies, which are a kind of alternative medicine promoted for its effect on health. However, according to the Cancer Research UK, "there is no scientific evidence to prove that flower remedies can control, cure, or prevent any type of disease, including cancer". What the United Kingdom doesn't know is that neck cancer is not a scientifically supported cancer, therefore walnuts do the trick just fine.

On an unrelated note, walnuts are made of about 6% starch, which is probably why they taste so starchy. Really though, if you were to invest your money in a walnut farm, you would have little economic precedent for which to go by. The last known case involving walnuts was Purple vs. the State of Ohio, where many witnesses were called to state their claims that "walnuts are cool, yo". All of these witnesses were literally just purple rectangles printed off on standard 8.5x11" copy paper. The State of Ohio claimed a swift victory.

It was an truly outstanding day when the cello was made. Of course there should be something bigger than a violin, and of course that something shouldn't be as big as a bass. That was exactly the thought when the scientists of the late 1600s decided to make another string instrument. Because those were common back then. They were quoted as saying, "yeah we don't have rocket ships yet so lets make more instruments". That's why all scientists were deaf back then.

-Griffin