Ground Up Soda Machines

Hello and it's time for the South. That's right, the South. I don't mean the southern United States. I mean Antarctica. If you were a peach farmer, you would know what I am talking about. I don't mean to offend you, but you're stupid. You fail to realize what a simple peach farmer can realize. That makes you less of a human than a peach farmer. Are you neck.

I will eradicate the vegetable-fruit population. I don't mean the fruit and vegetable population. I mean the vegetable-fruit population. That is to say, vegetables that are also fruits. Some examples of these mythical edibles include ,, +=error. They will all cease to exist once I get through with them. And I'm not through with them until the Alps turn to dust.

You must be some sort of histogram. I don't mean those weird graphs where the bars are next to each other. I mean the huge bags of gravel you can get from the local mud shop. The shop that sells mud. Shop that specializes in a dirt and water mixture. That store. They also sell gravel. Some say they also sell mud. If you breathe the mud into your lungs hard enough, gold will happen. Thanks.

-Griffin  

 

Thirty Thousand Bold Fonts

Hello and again welcome to square dancing with the best of them. That's right. After reading this post you'll be able to square dance with the best of them. Actually, that's a total lie. That is a complete, and utter falsity. I am sorry to say that this post will not teach you anything about square dancing, let alone how to do it with the best of them. In fact, your previous knowledge of square dancing might be destroyed after reading this post. It's tough to say, but if you wish to retain your current square dancing knowledge, I would steer clear of this post.

Next to nothing is a terrible way to describe things. When you say "the murder rate in mid-Ohio is next to nothing," that could mean any number of things. Six hundred thousand percent is next to nothing if the most it could be is fifty quintillion percent. I don't think anyone who using the term 'next to nothing' is very trustworthy. Furthermore, if you're on fire, stop it.

Agricultural differences between the state of Sudan and Northern Alaska is quite extraordinary. For one thing, Northern Alaska is in the arctic circle, and literally no plant life can live there. Sudan is in like Africa, and maybe some plants can live there I don't know what do I look like an Africa expert? No. Of course I don't. If I was an expert on Africa, I would probably be working for National Geographic and not writing this post right now.

-Griffin

Eight Nebraskas Coming In Hot

If you could breathe, you couldn't. You can't breathe. The end. Stop trying to justify your ability to breathe. Don't. You cannot breathe, and that is final. This is not a discussion. You lack the ability to inhale oxygen into one, or even two, of your lungs. This frozen bucket of mustard can't breathe either. You two have that in common. You have more in common with a frozen bucket of mustard than you do with something other than that. 

Whether or not three people can change the same light-bulb at the same time can be misconstrued as an offer to purchase a country's national debt. For example, say, for instance, that Brazil decided to declare war on Mexico for the stated reason "it's our turn for the tacos" and then Mexico turned around and said "no" and then World War 5 broke out because Brazilians couldn't mind their own business.

Welcome to the exact final time you'll ever read a paragraph in this post entitled 'instert post title here.' This is due to the fact that typical posts on this site entitled 'insert site title here' usually consist of 'insert typical number of paragraphs here' paragraphs. And when this number is reached, you will have concluded reading of that post. Next time on Mercury, the planet. 

-Griffin

The United Plates

Three PERCENT of all lumber are straight up made of fossils. Not curved down. Straight up. Fossils. Like when something has been dead for longer than thirty minutes, and they turn into a rock or something. That's fossils. I shouldn't have to tell you what fossils are. Though, I may or may not have to tell you what fossils aren't. I'll give a few examples just to make sure you're clear on the subject: bees, trombones, third degree burns, Santa. Those things all have at least one thing in common; they are all not fossils. 

Next time you see a Lumber Liquidators, sue them. You can't turn lumber into liquid. It's not possible. What's the melting point of trees? There isn't one. You're a liar, Lumber Liquidators. Trees cannot melt, they simply burn and turn to ash sometimes. Other times they just stand straight up, covered in their stupid bark crap. What gives about that stuff anyway? Who allowed trees to call their outer coverings bark? Why do trees need outer coverings at all? Wood wasn't strong enough for you? You needed some terrible brown armor around it to make yourself feel better? Horrid.

Lumberjacks are the joke of the academic community. Professors from all over the world giggle in back rooms at the notion of lumberjacks. Simply put, professors think lumberjacks are silly and useless. If professors had it their way, all lumberjacks would be turned into something better, say a loaf of fresh milk. If you think that there is any academic mentor who likes lumberjacks, jump off the tallest one story building you can find into a small children's pool filled with tartar sauce. 1994. 

-Griffin
 

Every Snorkel is Racist

Hello again and again welcome to everyone's favorite again and boy howdy do we have again another great time again once again. If there weren't so many lizards in North Carolina, we might be able to have a nice time. I mean really. These lizards are getting out of hand. What are they even supposed to be? They're like scaly, space-age dinosaurs whose tails can fall off and regrow for some reason. What's that like some sort of defense mechanism? Pretty terrible way to defend yourself if you ask me. It's like if I'm getting robbed and then ripped off my own arm to hopefully scare the robber away. It just doesn't work like that.

Australia is just one of those countries that needs to stop. Just stop. You look at it on a map and it's like oh okay yeah and then when you go there death happens more often than not and no one has any fun anywhere you're stuck thinking "wow that fish movie from 2003 really didn't get it right I mean sure it was 95% underwater the whole time but when they were above water it seemed somewhat decent not horrendous like it is really."

Have you even seen a wild treadmill before? They're extremely rare. Some scientists say that one in every seventeen million eight hundred fifty five thousand nine hundred sixty one things are a wild treadmill. I don't need to tell you, but that's a whole bunch of things that aren't a wild treadmill. Even if you did happen to spot one, the treadmill's bodyguard agents would definitely take you down before you told anyone. They probably wouldn't have believed you anyway.

-Griffin