It's that time of year again. Yes, it's the weekly Abflats post, everyone's favorite year time. Yes, and since today is probably technically some holiday of some sort, this post will only be two paragraphs long. I'm very sorry for the delay, but airplane companies aren't. Seriously, they don't care. If they cared, they wouldn't. Do you understand? Millions of plankton in the ocean have the right to sue Delta Airlines for timely manner. Delta, nor any other company, could afford being sued by all the plankton that exist. Whales do help the situation somewhat, but there are magnitudes less whales than there are plankton. I mean seriously, just look at Jamaica.
Next on the list of things to type are more words that form the shape of the second paragraph. These words, in particular, have to do with post cards. Have you ever seen a post card? Have you noticed their distinctly communist tendencies? Post cards' have very terrible government views and should be brought to justice. I have a list of all the post cards that are communist, and this list includes every post card that is a post card. Please stop them.
-Griffin
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Flammable Milk
Hello and welcome to Abflats, where everything is made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are basically like ... *cough* Granderson. The end. This will only be a two paragraph post today because it is the EVE of CHRISTMAS and I am so extremely busy with ... *cough* Granderson. What if you had a sweater that had, "I Am Not For The Swedish" written on it? Would it be considered racist? Would it transform into some advanced form of racism where elephants are involved? Ask the owl.
How many railroad companies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: the entity 'a railroad company' is not something that itself has the capability to physically manipulate inanimate objects, including lightbulbs. Nearly every railroad company is like this. Amtrak, ... *cough* Granderson. Then, you could eventually become a purple sofa encased in the fear of economic shortcomings due to capatilism. Merry Christmas.
-Griffin
Thursday, December 17, 2015
The Price of Pickles
Can you believe that it's already Monday? Me neither. I can't believe that at all. In fact, it's not Monday. Not in the slightest. If today were Tuesday, it still wouldn't be Monday. Anyway, the only reason I am writing this today is because of highlighters. For too long the slanderous behavior of highlighters has gone unnoticed. This must change immediately. These so-called 'highlighters' are nothing but narcissistic deviants disguised as yellow markers. Humans and highlighters can not survive in unison.
I, as the leader of the movement to rid the world of highlighters, have come up with a three step plan to achieve the ultimate goal. Step one is as follows: anyone who has ever seen a highlighter or has ever heard of highlighters existing must swear to an oath of silence. They must never mention highlighters in casual conversation, thus making the ink coated demons commonplace. My second step in reaching freedom is that we submit a bill to congress proposing the criminalizing of owning or using a highlighter. We will suggest a minimum punishment of ninety days in prison, though we won't have final say in this. Thirdly, to make sure we teach future generations the obtuse nature of highlighters, each American city with a population of 100,000 or greater must hold an annual parade in protest of the highlighters.
That concludes my plan to save humanity. I know it doesn't seem like much yet, but it's in the early draft stages. I do not expect the final plan to deviate much from this proposed one, however. I hope you concur with my thoughts towards this evil, inanimate objects. There will be a day, hopefully in the not too distant future, where humankind no longer has to be afraid of the dark, and will be able to live peaceful lives in the woods or in caves.
-Griffin
I, as the leader of the movement to rid the world of highlighters, have come up with a three step plan to achieve the ultimate goal. Step one is as follows: anyone who has ever seen a highlighter or has ever heard of highlighters existing must swear to an oath of silence. They must never mention highlighters in casual conversation, thus making the ink coated demons commonplace. My second step in reaching freedom is that we submit a bill to congress proposing the criminalizing of owning or using a highlighter. We will suggest a minimum punishment of ninety days in prison, though we won't have final say in this. Thirdly, to make sure we teach future generations the obtuse nature of highlighters, each American city with a population of 100,000 or greater must hold an annual parade in protest of the highlighters.
That concludes my plan to save humanity. I know it doesn't seem like much yet, but it's in the early draft stages. I do not expect the final plan to deviate much from this proposed one, however. I hope you concur with my thoughts towards this evil, inanimate objects. There will be a day, hopefully in the not too distant future, where humankind no longer has to be afraid of the dark, and will be able to live peaceful lives in the woods or in caves.
-Griffin
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Dolphins for President
Welcome to the post. That's right, this is the post. If it wasn't the post, there would be no way for us to claim that this was the post. So, since we claimed this post as the post, this is the post. There is no further discussion to be had on the matter. Frankly, I find your blatant disregard for His Majesty, the post, King of Posts, an act of treason. And as far as posts are concerned, the punishment for treason is probably tax fraud.
There is absolutely no possible way that the moon is real. I mean look at it. First of all, it's round. We all know that round things don't exist. Secondly, it's craterous. Now, when was the last time you saw something real AND craterous. Exactly. Furthermore, if everyone is so sure that the moon exists, why does it only show up during night time? You would think, for something to be real, that it would exist all the time, and not just some of the time. You can't fool me, giant rock looming high over the night sky. I know your tricks.
What if pretzels could talk? And I mean legally, of course. I know that pretzels can already talk. Pretzels should be allowed to exercise their rights as food products. The constitution applies to them as much as it applies to you or I. There is no reason they should be deprived of the freedom of speech and the freedom to be tried by a jury of its peers. We all must support the civil rights movement for pretzels. Even if it costs us our fruit cake operations.
-Griffin
There is absolutely no possible way that the moon is real. I mean look at it. First of all, it's round. We all know that round things don't exist. Secondly, it's craterous. Now, when was the last time you saw something real AND craterous. Exactly. Furthermore, if everyone is so sure that the moon exists, why does it only show up during night time? You would think, for something to be real, that it would exist all the time, and not just some of the time. You can't fool me, giant rock looming high over the night sky. I know your tricks.
What if pretzels could talk? And I mean legally, of course. I know that pretzels can already talk. Pretzels should be allowed to exercise their rights as food products. The constitution applies to them as much as it applies to you or I. There is no reason they should be deprived of the freedom of speech and the freedom to be tried by a jury of its peers. We all must support the civil rights movement for pretzels. Even if it costs us our fruit cake operations.
-Griffin
Thursday, December 3, 2015
News, Blue Ones
Welcome to this week. It's not last week, nor is it next week for that matter. All that really can be said about that is eagle Poobah. I mean, can you even imagine yourself with a cane? It's literally unimaginable. People who think they can't imagine themselves with a cane probably also think that water is an element. You could probably catch them posting a question on Yahoo.com, "is water a element ?" That would really throw the scientists for a loop. And by loop, I mean the flattest, straightest surface known to man.
Your new slogan can be 'Another Day Another Heart Palpitations'. You can have that slogan free of charge. You can use it for a bank, or even a different bank. There are countless things for which you could use that specific slogan. Heart palpitations, on the other hand, are a bit like Henry VIII. Like Henry VIII, king of England and Ireland, heart palpitations had their marriage with a lady from Aragon annulled. This bold move by heart palpitations and Henry VIII had them both excommunicated by the pope, supreme papal leader of the papacy.
I think that's enough talking about heart palpitations and Henry VIII. You see, the more often you talk about heart palpitations and Henry VIII, there is a higher percent chance that some of those words could be treasonous. And if you're accused of high treason by heart palpitations and/or Henry VIII, you most likely get your head cut off in front of like sixty people or something. If you're accused of high treason by both heart palpitations and Henry VIII, that means you get beheaded twice. Tickets to watch the public beheadings are like three pounds fifty. Long live the queen.
-Griffin
Your new slogan can be 'Another Day Another Heart Palpitations'. You can have that slogan free of charge. You can use it for a bank, or even a different bank. There are countless things for which you could use that specific slogan. Heart palpitations, on the other hand, are a bit like Henry VIII. Like Henry VIII, king of England and Ireland, heart palpitations had their marriage with a lady from Aragon annulled. This bold move by heart palpitations and Henry VIII had them both excommunicated by the pope, supreme papal leader of the papacy.
I think that's enough talking about heart palpitations and Henry VIII. You see, the more often you talk about heart palpitations and Henry VIII, there is a higher percent chance that some of those words could be treasonous. And if you're accused of high treason by heart palpitations and/or Henry VIII, you most likely get your head cut off in front of like sixty people or something. If you're accused of high treason by both heart palpitations and Henry VIII, that means you get beheaded twice. Tickets to watch the public beheadings are like three pounds fifty. Long live the queen.
-Griffin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)