Flag Ports

Welcome to the last Abflats ever of the week. Ever. Of the week. After this Abflats post, there will be absolutely no more Abflats posts this week. The only new Abflats posts you will be able to view will be next Thursday and then the Thursday after that. This will be the final Abflats post of this week. No more Abflats posts will even be close to occurring this week. If you think that you'll see an Abflats posts tomorrow, Saturday, or Sunday, you're dead wrong. No more will happen until next Thursday.

Depending on your current mental health, you may view vandalism as an act of the United States Naval Academy. If you accidentally looked at a bright, neon yellow flower, you may think that the United States Naval Academy is responsible for every vandalism ever. You may think, "oh well the US Naval Academy prepares young men and women to become officers in the US Navy and Marine Corps." That would make your mental state fairly stately. If it wasn't as stately, you may say, "oh well the US Naval Academy prepares vandalisms." 

Andrew Jackson never used a computer in his entire life. His, entire, life. And he was elected president. He was the president of the United States of America, and he never once used a computer. How could he win the popular vote of the people of America without having any knowledge pertaining to technology? It's an outrage. Dish rags have used more computers than Andrew Jackson.

-Griffin 

Plaid Toilets

Peaches peaches everywhere, but none that you can drink. Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. I still cannot see you their. You are reading text. Text cannot see you there. I mean, sure, it was written by someone. Me. But what you are reading is not words I am saying to you, it is text. And, as stated before, text cannot see you there. You might even be that lawn gnome from the Travelocity commercials. If that were the case, I still would not be able to see you there. This text would also still not be able to see you there.

If Hannibal Lector was such a bad guy, how come donuts exist? Huh? Didn't think so. And, for that matter, jelly filled donuts. Really, if you think about it, I think we can turn away from the cannibalism if we consider what Hannibal Lector has given us over the years. Sure, cannibalism is like the worst thing ever. But jelly-filled donuts? Tire irons? Robins, like the bird? All of those are pretty good things. Overall, Lector's score is probably around +15.

Woah, watch out there. You just about broke your leg. Just now. Sitting there, reading this text. Your leg just about broke into at least three pieces. One of them was just claimed by the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. You're now in Korea's debt. You have 3 to 4928 days to give them your third piece of leg, or they will do nothing. They will not sue you, they will not issue sanctions, but they might pout about it. 

-Griffin

Window World

What if Earth's crust was made of glass? That would probably make it a pretty terrible pie. A pie with glass for crust would pretty much ruin any party for which you had brought a pie. An ambulance would probably have to come, people would go to the hospital, it would be a whole ordeal. Even if it was blackberry, it would probably still be a horrendous situation. You would also need some pretty hot ovens to bake a pie to have glass crust. You just place a pan full of sand into it, and within like four to six weeks it hardens into glass. Pretty expensive I would imagine.

Someone should make a language where there are only six different words. How you say those words would determine what you were saying. Like, if you screamed "PASTE" it could possibly mean you were talking about how Greece's recession is affecting the global economy. Or, perhaps you could whisper "sawdust" and explain that there were not, in fact, any other ways to skin a cat. There would be a world of possibilities with this language.

Would filling an entire building with water be worse than burning it down? Maybe. But it's certainly not worse than filling a burning building with olive oil. That's like, the worst thing. It's the closest to the horrendous side of the scale that you can get. Olive oil isn't even honest. There's no olives in that. Olives are like gross tasting grapes. Olive oil is like gross tasting syrup. Olives are like the mafia of the food world.

I would like to take a moment to dedicate this paragraph to everyone's favorite tree, Nicolas  Cage. He is, in fact, a tree. If you even dare tell me he is not coniferous, I will microwave a fork in your house. Then I'll dump thirty-thousand gallons of olive oil into your plumbing system. You'll have an absolutely horrendous side of the scale time.

-Griffin

Tarp Flips

Can you hear? It doesn't matter. This is text. If you couldn't hear, then your ability to read this would absolutely, positively, not be affected. If you had no clue how to read, if you grew up in some island by yourself for 30 years, you being deaf would not hinder your text viewing possibilities. You're some sort of communist. What if we bought Machu Picchu? Like, for $10 or $12 maybe. It could work, it's a good plan.

Maybe, if we stopped believing in ghost clouds, we could accomplish the greatest internet of all time. I mean the real one. Like the one advertised in all the movies with the FBI warnings before the movie. You know what I'm talking about. I'm serious. You know. You absolutely know. Even after you don't know, you know. You always know. Everyone knows. It's not a thing no one knows. Really. It's known.

Cab drivers sure are terrible. Have you seen them? They have those weird, incredibly long noses. And they eat ants. Who does that? Like, really. Oh wait, I'm thinking of ant-eaters. I get cab drivers and ant-eaters mixed up all the time. They're very similar really. I mean it's an easy mistake. Anyone can mix those two up, including the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

Have you heard of the wide, wide cactus? It's one of the ancient wonders of the world. It's the fifteenth one. Right behind sand paper. You know, sand paper. Like, ska, ska. Especially if you're a Canadian that was born in Scotland. Then you'd really be thrown for a loop. Crab cakes are pretty okay too. I mean, look. 

-Griffin

Situational Cramping

Welcome to. It is customary to end a sentence after two words. Customary in fish society that is. Fish have terrible grammar. No scientists can really explain why fish have such a tough time learning English. It's really not that hard. I mean, they could take some first grade classes and learn that you don't end a sentence after two words. Really, fish. Come on. You cannot keep going on like this. You're ruining peoples' views of the fish people. Stop acting like children and work to become better.

I think it would be a good idea to take out as many loans as you can at the same time. It would be great to do this. I have some reasons as to why this idea could be considered good. The first reason I will list momentarily. Here comes the first reason supporting my idea about taking out many loans. On second thought, I have decided this idea of mine is not of good quality. If I had to rate ideas, this idea of mine would be closer to the horrendous side of the rating scale.

If you really think about it, what are plates? Really. Plates are not something that someone just looked at and was like, "oh yeah that's a plate alright." No. Plates had to have been systematically thought of as a thing that exists. And what about them continental plates? Those are not like regular plates at all. How can they be called plates when plates are called plates? That makes absolutely no sense at all. People in charge of naming things are closer to the horrendous side of the people rating scale.

Welcome to the fourth paragraph of this Abflats post. This paragraph is, traditionally, the one where I make up words to fill the paragraph. Trashpop-gumbo could be one as well. I mean, we may need it at some point. Trashpop-gumbo is definitely something that could prove useful at any given moment. You cannot count trashpop-gumbo out of any sort of competition. Trashpoop-gumbo.

-Griffin