Zero Tolerance Bean Dip

You probably didn't know this, but there are about six hundred and seventy seven thousand different ways to be not soup. In fact, there are even more ways than that. I know that it's pretty scary, but you simply cannot deny the fact that there are six hundred and seventy seven thousand, and possibly even more, ways to not be soup. Like, you could be a mailbox, a sheet of metal, even a golf club. That's three ways to not be soup right there. In each of those scenarios, you would not be soup.

If, for some magical reason, that you decided to take out an elephant as a bank loan, many animal activists would probably not be okay with that. I can think of a few counter arguments, from the animal activists' point of view, that would explain what is wrong with taking out an elephant as a bank loan. First of all, what kind of bank loans elephants. Commerce? Probably not. I'm sure there are not many banks in the world dealing in largest land mammals. Second, what would the interest rate be for a loan of this type? What percent elephant could you claim to be interest on the monthly payments? It just doesn't add up. Thirdly, for what will you be using that elephant? There aren't many reasons why anyone in the Western Hemisphere would need an elephant. If you're in the Eastern Hemisphere, there are probably more wild elephants than there are banks, so you shouldn't need to borrow one.

Even if you could count to five, it would not prove that you could count to five. You could have just memorized the first ninety-nine numbers, and where they are positioned in relation to the other numbers. You may not know how to count at all. If I asked you to count to one hundred seven, you probably would freeze up. Your hands would get all clamming, and you'd start vomiting. I know that you know that you have no knowledge of how to count. Your vomit proves that fact.

-Griffin

Horses: Who Are They, What Do They Want

It's fairly easy to understand the concept of nationalism. But couple that with incredibly large tortillas, then that's another thing entirely. If you even knew the half of what any of that meant, you would probably dissolve all alliances with your country's government, and move to the geographic center of Greenland. You'll be safe there, don't worry. The only danger there is the fact that feral Santa elves sometimes venture that far south. It's a fairly rare occurrence, however.

Did you know that if I said six plus nine was nine thousand three hundred seventy one you would not believe me? It's true. Even though that it's my opinion that that statement is factual, you would take it upon yourself to sue me in a court of law for saying that. How could you do this? Suing someone because his opinion differs from your own? What are you a lettuce? Either way, there are only four ways you could be a lettuce and all of them are not.

Welcome to the National Regional Semi-Annual Nose Hair Trimming Fever Competition of America. Soon to be known as Harold's Contest. If you win the competition, you win six years in prison. Second place gets custody of a random child. Third gets one gallon of spoiled milk. Fourth and fifth both get five days probation in a random county in Michigan. There is no time to waste, please waste.

-Griffin

Mold For Sale

Hello again, and welcome to Huckleberry Finn. And by Huckleberry Finn I mean have you seen the Apollo 11 moon landing? It's pretty neat. Like, these mystical space dudes fly up with giant explosion missiles and just park on the moon. It's crazy. I didn't even think the moon was big enough for people to walk on it I mean from here it only looks about the size of a paper plate. Science is weird. 

I'm fairly sure that Abflats has had a post with a very similar title to this one. Either way, birds still fly south for the winter. So don't come crying to me. Can't change what's unchangeable, such as birds. If you even knew how rusty some metals could get when exposed to water and oxygen and hydrogen bonded to oxygen in a way that there are specifically two atoms of hydrogen and only one atom of oxygen I can't remember where I was going with this sentence. 

Some attorneys wear glasses. Some attorneys weird toupees. Some attorneys wear glasses and toupees. Those attorneys are basically not attorneys. Those attorneys are basically swine flu. If they had mustaches, then they'd really be in bad shape. Large cameras from 2004, and many more to come. Goodbye.

-Griffin 

Flammable Cold Medicine

Welcome again to Snakes on a Plane I mean not that at all this is the opposite of that who are you. Murder your mouth with soap you trash can object. It's time for everyone's favorite flavor of ice cream, pistachio. You see, Christopher Columbus invented pistachio right after he landed in the city of Los Angeles, which at the time was occupied by the hundred of thousands of French ambassadors to the United States. The city would later be liberated by the National Clam Invasion where many thousands of mussels and clams rose up from the Pacific Ocean in rebellion of the French. 

Now that we've made it to the third paragraph, I'd like to make a toast with white bread and the new automatic bread toasting machines that have just recently came out. They're fantastic. You put bread inside the bread-sized slots in the top of the machine, and then pull down the secret Magical Toasting Lever. After a short while, the bread becomes tan and crispy, and you can enjoy it with butter or, more commonly, nitric acid.

If only the Holy Roman Empire was around to see this. It would surely bring joy to the hearts of the Dutch and maybe some other people. The Holy Roman Empire was a pretty big place I mean it was basically Germany and Austria and a few sea lions I'm not sure why. If you could please mail a letter asking why there were sea lions, I would be most appreciative. In any case, there are fewer than sixty thousand years between now and the year 60,2015. 

-Griffin