Faulty

Welcome to the portion of the show that's dedicated to homemade campaign ads. Here is where we feature homemade campaign ads. Specifically, ones dedicated to a government office campaign. Much like campaign ads, these will be campaign ads. The only difference is that these were all written by self proclaimed rapper and vigilante, Custard Rhymes. They are as follows:

"Together we can create a truly random number generator. Paid for by Hillary Clinton for President."

"If you can't beat the oppressors, shoot them. Reelect Lamar Alexander, U.S. Senate."

"You have the bean dip, we want the bean dip. I'll get us that bean dip. Vote for me, Bernie Sanders."

"Feed us milk, feed us cherries, but whatever you do, don't feed us Larry. Paid for by the Obama for reelection committee."

The next commercial just features Newt Gingrich playing the tuba very badly.

That about does it for this week's. Just to remind you, those commercials were all made by Custard Rhymes. That's Custard, as in a dessert or sweet sauce made with milk, eggs, and sugar. And Rhymes, as in correspondence of sound between words or the endings of words, especially when these are used at the ends of lines in poetry. The only difference is that Custard Rhymes writes fake music that doesn't actually exist as well as public office campaign ads. Vote ficus.

-Griffin

 

Vanilla Envelopes

Welcome to the all important and ever dangerous weekly Abflats post. Today, we have churros. We actually don't. That would be amazing, though. Churros are the best. I mean, have you read about their foreign policy? It's fairly stable. Anyway, we don't have any. No matter how good they are, we have absolutely none. We will be, however, voting for them in the coming presidential election. Not the one for the United States, though.

GOLF is a game that many people across the world play. There are many misconceptions about GOLF, however, that I thought I would take it upon myself to address. It has come to my attention that many people think you require thumbs to play GOLF. This is simply not the case. You could not be more wrong in thinking that you need hands to play GOLF. If you think you need arms to play GOLF, you are sorely mistaken. Being alive to play GOLF is the classic rookie mistake. Ever existing at all is the last think you want to do when playing GOLF.

Speaking of GOLF, I heard that that the people at Abflats are starting a new photography company. This company, like the millions other photography companies, will feature photos. Most importantly, this photography company will use watermarks on their photos. The watermarks will be the name of the company in really thin, cursive text. You know, to make it look fancy and unique. This is unlike all photography companies that exist ever in the history of all.

-Griffin

Senator Snake and Lars

Welcome back. As you may know, it's very likely that yeast will become the world's most powerful politician. That's right, even more powerful than the prime minister of Lithuania. That's like, scary powerful. I have never met a Lithuanian prime minister who was not as powerful as yeast. It's nearly unheard of that a Lithuanian prime minister would not be as powerful as the substance used in bread making.

Speaking of Lithuania, did you know that Swiss Cheese is actually made on a completely different planet? You probably didn't. Most people believe that Swiss Cheese is actually produced on Earth. They are dead wrong. Saying that Swiss Cheese produced on Earth is exactly like saying bananas exist and are not myths. It just sounds incorrect coming out of the mouth. Bananas are, of course, completely fake. They were made up by the Lithuanian government to get increased trade tariffs from tropical provinces.

Speaking of speaking of, I heard that dark navy blue will no longer be considered a color. It will instead be considered a dwarf color. My guess is that it was a lot shorter than the other colors. Most people will probably still consider it a regular color, but to the scientists it will forever be considered a dwarf color. You'll probably even go to prison if you disagree. Oh well.

-Griffin

Grilled Chair Not Cheese

It was a sorrowful time when the Ottoman Empire collapsed. You can just imagine how many bald people ran through the streets of the world screaming, "THE OTTOMANS WILL RISE AGAIN." In fact, they do that now more than ever. The ratio of the population of people that are bald and run around screaming, "THE OTTOMANS WILL RISE AGAIN," to the general population of the world has steadily risen since 1972. Now it's up to somewhere around 28% of the population. Only 72% of the population of the planet are not bald and/or running around the streets screaming, "THE OTTOMANS WILL RISE AGAIN."

What were they thinking when they invented density? Density is the most complex and convoluted measurements that only triple Ph.Ds in Quantum Physics and Particle Theory would understand. It is the most complicated thing in the universe. Density makes every grass blade in the world look like a quadrilateral. There is nothing simple about how dense a specific substance can be.

Being on fire is not desirable. It is, in fact, much less desirable than not being on fire. There are only certain states of on fire a human can be, and half of those states are way less desirable than the other half. And I'm not talking about Wyoming, I'm talking about being on fire. Wyoming is much more desirable than being on fire. That calculation is mostly affected by the fact that one of those states has Yellowstone National Park in it. And Yellowstone National Park is desirable.

-Griffin