Send Me the Bill, Like the Clinton

YOU thought I forgot about the post for today, didn't you? WELL I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU. I don't actually have any news for you. That was my news. The news I had planned for you was actually to tell you that I did not have news to share with you. There is no news here on this website. If you see any news at any time, please call your local fire department. You will not get in trouble for calling them about the news you saw. They will be completely okay with coming to your house because you saw news on this website. It is absolutely appropriate.

Welcome to the second paragraph of the Abflats post, may I take your order? If you answered yes, then you win. But in a much more real sense, you completely lose. There's nothing to be gained by winning here at Abflats. The only possible outcome is cyanide. Like the deadly chemical. That's the only outcome. If you won here, your computer would print out cyanide. It probably wouldn't harm you unless you really wanted it to, but it's cyanide nonetheless.

How would you like your glass cooked? That's something that is not said often at restaurants that serve hamburgers. Literally all restaurants that serve hamburgers do not serve glass. Glass is an inedible object. If you ate glass, you would probably die. Not because glass is poisonous or anything, just because it's sharp and pointy. I mean look at it, it's glass. Free the loafs.

-Griffin

Let's Do 10:40 AM Lunch

To quote the real Ben Carson and absolutely not fake Chuck Schumer Ben Carson, "I'm actually black." It's nothing known to many people in the fact that Ben Carson, being black, is not white. He is not a white man. That's like running an obstacle course and breaking both your legs. Just doesn't work. Or if Hong Kong hosted the 2019 Plant Olympics. That is, the Plant Olympics featuring events such as: the fern hop, dandelion 100 meter relay, growing oak trees from start to finish, and the hornets' nests are not plants race. 

If you've been following along so far, you probably study philosophy. You probably work for a company that spends all its money on hit man assassins instead of lawyers. "Buy our product, or we'll kill you," they say and then get sued. They don't have lawyers to help them in court. All they'll have to look forward to is prison and loft beds definitely not covered in liquid hot magma. 

Do you ever just break glass tubing into the palm of your hand and then continue shoving it deeper into your flesh for a safety instructional video? I know at least four people who have done that. That's a lot considering there are like seven billion people on earth. That's like .000000000571% of the people. I'm sure all of them support the Communist Chinese Red Siamese Cat Organization. Otherwise known as CCRSCO.

-Griffin

CHOI vs SORROWCHAMBERtm

There was never a time in the history of the entire planet of the Earth that plastic cups could talk. Seriously. Never. There was never a point where they could do that. None. Not even one point ever. Absolutely zero. Not one point in the history of the universe. Not a single one. None at all. This is an extremely known fact, as well. This is all just terrorism. Plastic cups not talking is extreme real terrorism.

More birds can talk than plastic cups. That said, you have no way of knowing if it's real or not. According to quantum physics, we're all chocolate pudding. No, I don't know the details behind it, I just know that we're jiggly and pretty good. Besides, have you seen pudding? Not bad when you consider that we're humans. It's much better than being bears and dust particles. I imagine that when bears found out that they were actually dust particles they were extremely disappointed.

There's nothing I love doing more than buying debt. Debt is by far the best investment someone could ever make. It's like paying money to have less money than what you used to pay. It's great. The possibilities are endless in the debt market. You could sit there and watch your bank account turn red, read the back of a box of trash bags, literally anything. 41 local locations, all of them being in the sewer.

-Griffin

Carl the Pigeon

Have you ever noticed that basically all government official vehicles are black SUVs? Of course you have. We can only assume that the government uses black SUVs because of their durability, and cheapest color. But, what if the cheapest color of vehicle was bright, neon pink? How would governments around the world look driving around in bright pink convoys. That would probably solve the world debt crisis.

If you knew the difference between copper and bagels, you could have no possible way of determining your mundane sun-hat. That said, let's consider, for a moment, the amount of commas, if I may, inserted in this comment. There could only be one logical answer to our question. It's probably another question. We tend to use bad interview tactics when answering our own, inner questions.

Bar graphs have never done any wrong towards anyone. Bar graphs have the purest soul there is. You can always trust a bar graph with your credit card information, health insurance details, and even your social security number. Bar graphs would never misuse any of your personal information for individual gain. Your life is safe with bar graphs.

-Griffin