Harrison Toyota

Good hello. Have you ever noticed that when you try and pick a pocket, you can never find the style of pocket that you enjoy the most? I mean, sure pants have pockets, and sometimes shirts have pockets. But the real classy pockets are hat pockets. Hat pockets are very useful for anything you may ever need. Like, say you want to keep an extra shot for your dueling pistol. A hat pocket is just the right size for a bit of extra gunpowder and a lead ball. You'll always be ready when you're in a duel and your opponent lives after the first shot.

Speaking of Harry Houdini, how about some breakfast? You see what I did there? That's right. The Pope has no place of business in this post office so you can keep your shoes out the door. You can come in sure, but your shoes have to be outside. And you cannot be inside unless you have shoes on. No shirt, no shoes, no. So you will have to wear your shoes outside while you come inside. No, we will not adjust our policy for cats. Cats don't wear shoes.

Of all the things to notice, you notice the one thing unnoticable. My abnormally large oven mitt. You couldn't even pretend like you didn't notice either. No, you had to point out my abnormally large oven mitt. Don't you think I realize my abnormally large oven mitt. My abnormally large oven mitt was a Christmas gift from 1975, and I cannot regift my abnormally large oven mitt due to the fact that it is my hand.

-Griffin

Martin Van Boats

Hello. It occurred to me recently that having hand grenades for hands would be really quite discouraging if you worked at a nursery. It's nothing personal to the children of course, but the parents still don't like it. Andrew Johnson would be seriously disappointed, though. And I mean President Andrew Johnson. Abraham Lincolns successor. I mean the Andrew Johnson that was president during reconstruction of the south after the Civil War. I mean the Andrew Johnson that has his picture on no American money at all, I mean really.

If you really think about it while you're sleeping, onions seem like a viable beauty product. The reason I mention sleeping is because onions only ever seem like something other than food products during times in which your brain is acting like a brain and not like a sci-fi adventure masterpiece. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan though, so that's kind of a let down. I mean, he directed the Happening. You know what happened in the Happening? Trees plotted against the human race, and Mark Wahlberg, and killed them. Trees. The leafed growths that are in many places.

I really have nothing else to say really though really. I've said really many times during this post and in all three paragraphs. I might start calling it Global Really. Because it's everywhere and the imperial system is much better than the metric system because compare our space program to Star Wars' space program I mean come on that's no contest at all not even close get with it.

-Griffin

Hand Grenade Holiday

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Have you ever seen, a tree? No, no! Not those blue sea urchins. I'm talking about real, green trees. You probably haven't, but you're in luck. I happen to know of a place where you can view a real, not fake, completely legitimate tree for literally no costs. No costs will be required when viewing this not imaginary tree. Bringing money with you to view this incredibly nonfictional tree will simply not be necessary because costs is what the viewing of the tree will not have attached to it. 

What if the Hulk had a lesser known twin brother who worked in customer service? He would like, always be the big green monster guy because customer service jobs are very not fun. Do you think him being a giant green monster would improve the relationship he has with his customers? Probably not. Hulk's twin would probably have a more enjoyable time as a giant green monster though. It would be really counteractive because once he started enjoying himself as the giant green guy he would turn back into a regular human. Then he would get all stressed and mad again because humans can't interact with other humans efficiently and he would turn into the Hulk's twin brother monster again. It's a vicious cycle.

Now, I don't know if you know this, but Don Domino is real. So quit asking me. If you Google 'Don Domino' literally the fifth image to the right will be a bull sitting down. The second image to the right is a shaved cat, but I try to avoid those as much as I can. The fourth image to the right is the cover to a vinyl album that has 'Here Comes Fats' written on it. It's a scary world out there when you Google 'Don Domino'. You never know what will come out and haunt you what if microphones were edible.

-Griffin

Windex and Similar Governments

Did you enjoy the entire month with posts containing Potato Diplomacy? Every post in October had titles that had something to do with Potato Diplomacy. Also, I don't care if you enjoyed them. The only reason I asked was because I am not done continuing to talk about Potato Diplomacy. It's really diplomatic and you need to stop. That's all I have to tell you about Potato Diplomacy for this week, however, so you'll need to wait just a bit longer for another update.

Can you even hear words if you're anti-deaf? What is anti-deaf? People that protest against deaf people? Or is it like medicine for treating various ailments for deaf people like antibiotics for people who aren't deaf? No one will ever know the true answers to these questions. Even if you know the answers to these questions, you will not exist long enough after the fact for it to mean anything significant. 

Hello? The only reason I said that was because I wanted all three paragraphs during this Abflats post to start with a question. Hello? is a good enough question, right? If someone gave the Pope a lightsaber, would he use it for good? That would be an interesting plot to a horror film. Like, a lady is walking through a dark hallway with the camera pointed so that she's walking towards it, that way you can see what's behind her and it's pitch black for like forty seconds, then slowly the Pope walked up into view behind her and his lightsaber opens with the lightsaber opening sound and red light from it emits onto the back of her head and she turns around and then the Pope laughs like a scary clown and then runs away and then she runs after him because people in scary movies don't do reasonable things. That would be the best movie ever.

-Griffin