I had very little time to write a post today! So you get this post that is really short! Can you believe it! No! You can't! It's unbelievable! Literally physically impossible to believe! Straw hats!
-Griffin
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Plankton and the Magical Burritos
Hello and welcome to the weekly words on a website that you're reading. Can you believe it is already that time again? It seems like only a week ago that you were reading words on this site, and now you're doing it again. Time really flies when you're not awake. Basically, I have a proposition to propose here in this post of posts. What we really need, at this point in time, is something, or somethings, on a boat in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Let me explain this in more detail.
My idea is, we purchase two hippos from our local Africa and put these hippos on a large yacht with "Gulf of Iran or Bust!" painted on the side in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Then we just leave them there. Eventually, like three years later probably, some random fisherman will find this boat and be very confused. "What the crap there are two dead hippos on this boat named gulf of iran or bust what why" he might think when he sees this thing. It's the perfect crime.
Additionally, we could assume that dentist gangsters exist. Like, these are the type of gangsters that don't pay speeding tickets or parking violations. And he likes gold teeth too because he's weird like that. Like, instead of cleaning your teeth with the strawberry flavored foam stuff that they put in your mouth along with a mouth guard, he just takes a small paintbrush and paints all your teeth gold. He still charges the full dentist amount of course, you just get your teeth painted. You have no way of knowing that this will happen prior to the routine check-up either. You go in with teeth that you haven't flossed, and you come out with still teeth that you haven't flossed just now they're golden. It's the perfect crime.
-Griffin
My idea is, we purchase two hippos from our local Africa and put these hippos on a large yacht with "Gulf of Iran or Bust!" painted on the side in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Then we just leave them there. Eventually, like three years later probably, some random fisherman will find this boat and be very confused. "What the crap there are two dead hippos on this boat named gulf of iran or bust what why" he might think when he sees this thing. It's the perfect crime.
Additionally, we could assume that dentist gangsters exist. Like, these are the type of gangsters that don't pay speeding tickets or parking violations. And he likes gold teeth too because he's weird like that. Like, instead of cleaning your teeth with the strawberry flavored foam stuff that they put in your mouth along with a mouth guard, he just takes a small paintbrush and paints all your teeth gold. He still charges the full dentist amount of course, you just get your teeth painted. You have no way of knowing that this will happen prior to the routine check-up either. You go in with teeth that you haven't flossed, and you come out with still teeth that you haven't flossed just now they're golden. It's the perfect crime.
-Griffin
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Galactic Subtraction Problems
Oh hello. It's Thursday and you can't believe it. I know you can't. I can read minds. And by minds I mean words. It's a pretty exclusive power. There's like a thirteen week waiting list for the Reading Minds I Mean Words club. It literally took my application thirteen weeks before it was even presented to the Reading Minds I Mean Words club official council of Lancing, Michigan. Yes, the headquarters is in Lancing, Michigan. Yes, you must mail your application there in order for them to obtain it. No, they will not pay for shipping. Just pay for the shipping you cheapskate. Not like the kind that go on feet that make humans roll around, I mean the ones that are afraid of paying for shipping.
Speaking of applying for entry into the Reading Minds I Mean Words club, I want your feedback on what I wrote in a section of the application. I'm really concerned that I might not be accepted due to what I wrote in this section. The section asked what you like to do for fun. I really had no idea at all what this question was asking. I spent like two hours searching google for some explanation as to what information they are trying to gather with this question. Finally, I just simply put that I sometimes replace song lyrics with 'beef stroganoff' instead. You know, like, beef stroganoff, beef stroganoff, how lovely are your branches? I'm really worried that I got this question wrong. If you have any ideas as to how this question should have been answered please hand-write me a letter and send it by carrier pigeon. Just tell the pigeon, "H5QQ7." It'll know where to go.
There isn't much else I had to talk about in this Abflats post. I mean I could join in on the debate as to whether seagulls actually provide extra computer power to your home PCs. I, for one, truly believe that, when constructing your home computer, you should spend the extra money in order to be able to put a seagull in your computer. You could tape it to the top of the processor, plug it into the hard drive, or even shove it on top of the power supply so that it gets really warm. I do not believe it matters at all where you put the seagull, but it should improve your PC's performance either way. Lizards don't go to school.
-Griffin
Speaking of applying for entry into the Reading Minds I Mean Words club, I want your feedback on what I wrote in a section of the application. I'm really concerned that I might not be accepted due to what I wrote in this section. The section asked what you like to do for fun. I really had no idea at all what this question was asking. I spent like two hours searching google for some explanation as to what information they are trying to gather with this question. Finally, I just simply put that I sometimes replace song lyrics with 'beef stroganoff' instead. You know, like, beef stroganoff, beef stroganoff, how lovely are your branches? I'm really worried that I got this question wrong. If you have any ideas as to how this question should have been answered please hand-write me a letter and send it by carrier pigeon. Just tell the pigeon, "H5QQ7." It'll know where to go.
There isn't much else I had to talk about in this Abflats post. I mean I could join in on the debate as to whether seagulls actually provide extra computer power to your home PCs. I, for one, truly believe that, when constructing your home computer, you should spend the extra money in order to be able to put a seagull in your computer. You could tape it to the top of the processor, plug it into the hard drive, or even shove it on top of the power supply so that it gets really warm. I do not believe it matters at all where you put the seagull, but it should improve your PC's performance either way. Lizards don't go to school.
-Griffin
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Blips and Half Net Worths
Hello. No, don't even being. That's right. You are no longer allowed to be. Being, specifically. Hahaha. That laughter was inappropriate, I apologize. You no longer being is a very difficult matter that must be addressed within the next forty-eight and a half hours. That's right. You have until 6:30 PM on Saturday to figure out why you are no longer allowed to be. 6:30 because I'm posting this post at exactly 6:00 and it all works out great. Time is a fascinating thing that we really need to stop. It's very tragic.
Is tragic spelled like tragic because magic is spelled like magic? Yes. Is .gif pronounced jif because it's spelled like tragic and magic. Yes. All you giffies are failures and should stop it. Some of you may bring up the concept of gift. And again, you need to stop. It is not Christmas, and giving us, the people who pronounce gif correctly, gifts will not persuade us to join your side. We are bigger than that. Unless the gift was like pizza or something but it probably won't be.
People who say, "Yeah?" after a sentence where they are talking to themselves really need to stop as well. I mean come on. You are not a gopher. Gophers can't speak. So why would you be adding "Yeah?" to the end of your rhetorical sentences? It's really not necessary. You need to really get a hold of yourself. On the phone that is. You are busy and you need to let yourself know. Before time runs out. Like the time from a cheap plastic sand hourglass thing that comes with those board games. It's great.
-Griffin
Is tragic spelled like tragic because magic is spelled like magic? Yes. Is .gif pronounced jif because it's spelled like tragic and magic. Yes. All you giffies are failures and should stop it. Some of you may bring up the concept of gift. And again, you need to stop. It is not Christmas, and giving us, the people who pronounce gif correctly, gifts will not persuade us to join your side. We are bigger than that. Unless the gift was like pizza or something but it probably won't be.
People who say, "Yeah?" after a sentence where they are talking to themselves really need to stop as well. I mean come on. You are not a gopher. Gophers can't speak. So why would you be adding "Yeah?" to the end of your rhetorical sentences? It's really not necessary. You need to really get a hold of yourself. On the phone that is. You are busy and you need to let yourself know. Before time runs out. Like the time from a cheap plastic sand hourglass thing that comes with those board games. It's great.
-Griffin
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Pebbles and Their Hard to Pronounce Ancestors
Good! I was going to say something after that, but it's pretty old by now. I could have said, "good taco!" instead but I mean really, come on. If I had any other alternative I would have commended those actions with several very well packaged apples that appear to have scorch marks all over them due to inopportune gas induced flames. It was quite a situation indeed. A situation so indeed that I won't even talk about it in the next paragraph. The one following this one of course. How could you expect any less, to be fair? Like, what if you had two fully grown chickens tattooed onto your ears?
I have a very serious topic to discuss during this post. More specifically, this paragraph. Even more specifically, the next sentence. The very pressing topic that we need to address here on Abflats is, you guessed it, burrito clothing. Should burritos be allowed to choose the type of clothing of which will be present on the burrito's body? No. Absolutely not. As you've seen in the Saudi Arabian politics system, burritos do not make good choices when hard decisions arise. Therefore, we should not be content with allowing such treasonous burritos to choose their clothing.
I really didn't think I'd make it this far in the post to be honest. I thought that water would have been offended by this post by now, thus sending their elusive watery assassins to come and assassinate me. Water does not take jokes very well, especially those written in text that is sans serif. I mean really. That's very unprofessional of you, me. Gosh. I cannot believe I would be so offensive to water; it really boggles my mind. Have a good horse radish.
-Griffin
I have a very serious topic to discuss during this post. More specifically, this paragraph. Even more specifically, the next sentence. The very pressing topic that we need to address here on Abflats is, you guessed it, burrito clothing. Should burritos be allowed to choose the type of clothing of which will be present on the burrito's body? No. Absolutely not. As you've seen in the Saudi Arabian politics system, burritos do not make good choices when hard decisions arise. Therefore, we should not be content with allowing such treasonous burritos to choose their clothing.
I really didn't think I'd make it this far in the post to be honest. I thought that water would have been offended by this post by now, thus sending their elusive watery assassins to come and assassinate me. Water does not take jokes very well, especially those written in text that is sans serif. I mean really. That's very unprofessional of you, me. Gosh. I cannot believe I would be so offensive to water; it really boggles my mind. Have a good horse radish.
-Griffin
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