I Do Quite Instead Hello

I'm eating lemon cake which is weird because it tastes like citrus fruits not related to the lemon. But since they're citrus they would be related to the lemon anyway. I'm sorry. I remember when I talked about Oregon like twelve separate times. Do you remember that? The only reason I bring it up is because this will be the last post of 2013! It also means that the one year anniversary of the flat abs is soon upon us. I hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving was quite good. Except, accepting coupons.

That was a joke. Don't. I could unintentionally hire someone to murder your wall panelings. Unintentionally so I could get away from it in court. It would be weird if I pleaded not guilty when I intentionally hired someone to murder your wall panelings. It makes much more sense if I pleaded not guilty for unintentional crimes. Why is pleaded a word and not pled. Surely pled would make more sense. I can't hear you cry about your lava lamps so stop it.

I would have posted this post on Friday, but the publish button wouldn't work. The reason the publish button wouldn't work is because stupid unknown reasons and Google. It was really frustrating. So frustrating, in fact, it caused me to delete the entire last paragraph of this post in order to talk about how the publish button wouldn't work. Anyway, this post is now available for reading. I hope you grow trees inside of fish tanks to make up for the misfortune. Gravel.

-Griffin

Hopeful Economic Down Flips

Do I know you? Fourteen, of course! How could I be so blind. Pronounce that with a short I sound for happy fun tims. Anyway, with Thanksgiving quickly approaching I though this post would be a great opportunity to talk about Santa and his magically mutate bird men. Peoples of the future, as he called them. Have you heard that one of Santa's favorite past times is giving away free lawn chairs to the Homeless People with Middle Class Dwellings Foundation? Like, not even the good lawn chairs either. One of those generic white ones. You know what I'm talking about. Everyone hates those things. Look at them being generic and white. Why don't they just come with some decals or something. Something classy like, "My name is Tommy Sullivan and I've come to kidnap your children." Or even, "How are you doing, this was a distraction while someone behind you murders you." 

Look how long that first paragraph was. That's outstanding. Oh, it's underlined 'Santa's' in red. Apparently, Santa is a word but Santa cannot own anything ever because red underline. Stupid red underline. You deserve no food with your meal. Just table shavings. Speaking of Santa and red underlines, I also heard that he donates horrifically flavored gum drops to the noble cause of Homeless People with Middle Class Dwellings. When HPMCD holds its quad-annual client party, Santa goes and horrifically serves his horrid gum drops. People complain about how horrid the horrifyingly flavored gum drops taste, and Santa just kind of smiles and points at them. Then he just goes to another group of people to tragically offer them some of his dreadful gum drops. It's a wonderful tradition.

I'd say that this has been a pretty good post so far. In the grand scheme of things, post like this only come once in a week. Mostly because I don't post more than once a week, but partly because this was a grand post. Posts from yesterday can't even compete with how extraordinary this post was, and posts tomorrow won't even come close. Thanks for listening but I'm really going to have to ask you to hello trash can.

-Griffin

Mittens Like the Cat

My internet has started acting proportionally poopy again. It started about two hours ago. I have no idea why it just wants to do that sometimes. Like, the majority of the time, it is awesome and fantastic and good. But then sometimes, it just is like gravel flavored with artificial guacamole flavoring which is disgusting why would anyone do that. Either way, it's really bad right now for some reason. I have no idea WHEN is not the correct W word I was looking for call an ambulance.

I'm going to keep copying this post in order to be somewhat secure if my internet stages a local apocalypse. That happens a lot on earth. You could be eating at a McDonalds and all of a sudden there's lava. It would be really apocalyptic, but only at that McDonalds in particular. Is McDonald's first name Old? Or Barry? Barry McDonald is kind of boring. I don't know if that's what they were going for when they named the Flurry. That is a joke no one on this earth will understand including me. Happy birthday.

I had planned to talk about how this was going to be the greatest post in the history of time, but then my internet went Buick. So I talkinged about that instead. How are you. Shut up. Do you smell that it smells like loan sharks. I can't recall a time when I called someone and said hold on I need to recall you this call in unsatisfactory for me. I really wish that unions didn't have to eat your lunch. You leave it in the fridge with your name on it, keypad lock and everything, but they still use they're slimy crowbars to pry open your safety deposit box and get your sandwich. We should sue them. I mean Susan. Not sue. Window parties.

-Griffin 

PS THE FREAKING INTERNET IS SO BAD I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WILL PUBLISH HELP ME I'M ALL OUT OF SPARE LIMBS

Minus Eleven Haha

Hello. That is how I'm starting this post off. You don't have to say anything about it because I won't care. Don't invest in that. It isn't wise do do things that aren't wise. Like believing it's butter. It will never be butter. You have to accept that fact. Don't, except that fact. Accept it. You know what it really is anyway. It's probably like hardened milk or something similar. Like, you could find it under a pine tree somewhere near an Arby's and have enough left over for a large dinner that could amount to any number of ferrets living in your house. Even so, that could not detract from the taste of lawn gnomes' baked onion patties. What.

There's nothing like the zero calorie taste of Pepsi Max and Lucky the dog. I mean, if his name was Luigi I'd understand, but not now. Not ever. I'd really appreciate it if the font would stop switching to Times New Roman everytime I hit backspace. That would save me like, multitudes of time that I would normally use dividing by three. Three is a good number to divide by, especially for beginners. You don't even need hypothermia to divide by three. Look at the leaves. Leafs is not being underlined in red right now but everytime is what is this world that we live in.

I really can't think of anything else to write about in this paragraph so I'm just going to talk about tin cans. I mean, if you think about it, are tin cans really real? I don't think so. I'm anti tin can. If you see one and you know it's fake, you shouldn't even look at it. It will do nothing to help you in your not believing in tin can motives. You could even rob a jewelry store that has a homeless guy out front. He will most likely have a tin can that he uses to collect free money. All you have to do is take off your shoes and walk away from that homeless man. He is not real and should not be looked at, no matter how badly he smells of smells. Don't forget to nostril.

-Griffin