Vegetartion

Have you ever heard about the time that that one thing happened to those other guys? Yeah, I doubt that the pickles would have stood a chance had the borrowed the trident like the masked bandit told them. Nevertheless, free salads aren't as good as salads that have fruit in them. What if you baked a fruit salad in the oven? And put like, that purple gelatin stuff that's in jelly donuts? Would it be like, a vegi-tart? Actually that sounds dreadful. Don't quote me on economics because I invested in Enron. 

Eggs are not the only thing that can be put into donuts, however. You could put like, mustard, lettuce, shrimp, carrots, even copper wiring in donuts if you wanted too. As long as you have the proper building permits that permit you to build, you should be fine. Hopefully you don't have the fourth permit though. The fourth permit is the one that allows the IRS to borrow all the things that you own. And by borrow I mean destroy in a massive earthquake create by tax bills and search warrants.

There's only going to be three paragraphs in the post today. Mostly because I've decided to post only three paragraphs, but partly because Brutus is an honorable man. Antony has no right in calling someone dishonorable if he had never met the dishonorable fairy Trox. Trox's name is Joey. The end.

-Griffin

Oh Today's Thursday

Oh crap, today is Thursday. I've been completely oblivious until now. At least you're reading this now instead of like 40 years in the future when trees develop space flight. That would be really inconvenient. I mean, I really like cheese and all, but that's just silly. Why can't bacon supporters be the same as non-bacon supporters? Oh wait, there are no non-bacon supporters. My stupid Internet Explorer keeps opening with pop ups. I have no idea why because the last time I used Internet Explorer on my computer was never. It's weird. I mean, the last thing I want to do is get caught using Internet Explorer. That will just completely destroy my reputation.

Hey, I just realized, the ground is not purple. My math teacher was wrong. The ground could never be purple. Silly math teachers. Thinking the ground is purple. You can't do that. I guess Hershey's Chocolate is like that too though. It's not their fault, however. Anyone can read the mountain labels but they can't all be the same as goat milk. No one could ever be goat milk. Goat milk isn't human. Neither is lettuce. Lettuce and goat milk are both not humans.

If you are reading this sentence then I would like to inform you that this isn't actually a sentence because it's

For those who are from Greenland, you're not from Greenland. No one is from Greenland, and you're a liar. So stop calling me. I don't care how many pizzas you want to buy, I'm not selling any to you. If you lie about being from Greenland don't expect me to give you pizza. I don't even work for a pizza place. Get away from my cabbage.

-Griffin

Forty Three Headed Cows on Xenon

IT'S THURSDAY AND THAT MEANS hi. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. But that's boring. It would be better if I said I was doing extremely well living on Mars. But that wouldn't be true. What would be true, however, is if I said that I was doing very well and there's over thirteen trillion types of fruit in Guatemala. You've probably never even been to Guatemala. They're known for their garbage, but that's beside the point. Right beside it. On its right. See, there. Why can't you see it? Is it because you called those trees pregnant when they weren't actually pregnant? HA! THAT'S A REFERENCE TO A PREVIOUS POST! BETCHA DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. UKRAINE. 

Anyway, the most important thing I needed to tell you has been shredded in a paper shredder. So I no longer possess the ability to tell you such things of utter importance. Udder importance. Fire breathing udders. That's what cows will mutate into getting so they can defend themselves against the sport of tipping them. Them youngsters. What if all cows on planet Xenon had forty three heads? Would that make them acceptable in Germany? Why would Germany not like forty three headed cows from Xenon? Why is Germany doing this? They have no rights. They only have lefts. I mean really.

You were probably reading this sentence and thinking it would start the next paragraph. HA! I tricked you. There's no paragraph here. 

So, in conclusion, I would like to solidify all of the yogurt in the world. That way you can't eat it. It will be like a block of yogurt. You wouldn't want to eat yogurt with the consistency of a rock now, would you? Of course not! That's why you haven't invested into your 401K yet! You're waiting on those, non-rock density, yogurt cups to come out. That's why the zebras have only four hips.

Everytime is a Word

I forgot about posting. So this post will be posted later than a post would normally be posted. Also I jammed my right pinky. It was your fault. The only thing imaginable that could undertake such a task with a trouser does not include the forearm of they who ask it. My dog is the one who knew about that before. It could not have been any easier, unless you owned sixteen yachts. That would be something else. Hey, that would be something else. 

Everytime I think of the word everytime, and then write the word everytime, everytime this website says everytime isn't a word. It underlines it in red. Like, what the heck. Stop it Blogspot. Everytime will be a word everytime I want everytime to be a word. Get out of my life. Get into my checking account. If I counted the number of times I said everytime in this paragraph, I would have written a sentence talking about that instead of the one that I am currently writing. 

Oh my. Blogspot must have been listening to me. It just underlined that previous paragraph entirely in red. There's nothing wrong about it, I assure you Blogspot. Please do us a favor and pop. Speaking of pop, there's a movie about trees that you should watch. I don't recommend it though. Go away. You may not be allowed to notice this golden potato, but you will be allowed to enter the bank.

-Griffin

Gerbil Leader

Hey! It’s May! Welcome! And I’m pretty happy that I’m actually writing some of this on Wednesday! You can’t tell, obviously. But take my word for it, I am writing some of this post on the day before Thursday like I should be. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of writing these posts on Thursday, which is the day I need to post as well. Much like rabbits have gotten into the bad habit of stealing my milk cartons. But that’s a story for another day mainly never.  That’s not your fault though; I just don’t have the time or the energy to make up a story about rabbits stealing milk. It’s not available.

So I got a call today from California telling me that my Chrysler was ready to be picked up at the dealership. There are a few problems with that information, however. The first problem being that I don’t own a Chrysler. The second problem being that I do not live anywhere near California.  They’re probably trying to get me to reveal my secret identity as Doesn’t Own a Chrysler Man. It’s quite hard keeping that a secret. Mostly because I don’t legally own any type of vehicle. I do own a trash can, and it sucks. 

Remember when the birthday cakes ate all the childrens? Of course you don't! You have the memory of a goldfish. Goldfish aren't real so I'm implying that your memory is non-existent! Hahahah! Hey, remember when I implied that your memory was non-existent? Well, I'm sorry about that. I was out of line. I hope you'll accept this Christmas card from me and the trees. We're all happy to give it to you. Shut up. 

Google is a very weird word. I once learned about this ancient burial ground where people used to bury hamsters. I didn't know hamsters have been around that long. What even is a hamster anyway? I know it's like a small gerbil thing, and it's not a mailbox. Mailboxes could never be gerbils, because gerbils hate holding mail for people. I heard one time that this guinea pig, the leader of the gerbils at the time, was asked by his other guinea pig friend to hold this package for him while he was out of town. The leader agreed and set it on his kitchen table. Then one night the hamster police were doing random home checks for illegal items and they found this package. They opened this package to find it was a bomb. They had to take the gerbil leader into custody because bombs aren't legal. That's why gerbils would never be mailboxes. Marry Birthday. Marry it. Now.

-Griffin