Thursday, February 16, 2017

Abflats' Extra Special Magical Four Year Anniversary Extravaganza Post Part Two: The Finale

WELCOME and hello to PART TWO of Absurd Flatulence's four year anniversary celebration post! Let me cut RIGHT (not left) to the chase here, this post is named 'The Finale' because this will be the final Abflats post in the history of all history. That is to say, no more posts will be posted on this Abflatsian blog. It's over. Finished. Completed eradicated. To celebrate the conclusion of this, the best blog to ever exist, I have compiled a list of [insert alarming number of quotes here] great Abflats quotes from the past four years. Seeing as there has been an Abflats post nearly every week for four years, there was a crap ton to choose from. I tried to choose the best ones I could find, but I'm sure I missed a few. Let's just BEGIN ALREADY:

Year 1:


“I send my condolences to your family and hope you the best. In the case that you die, please send back the insurance information. You won't need it, and it's not a part of the condolences to your family.”
Nonions – February 14, 2013

I once met a man who lived in a large concrete cactus. He told me about the wonders of gravity. If I remember correctly, he wanted me to know about the edibility of gravity.”
Loafs of Meat – March 14, 2013

“Instead of a post this week, I thought I'd share with you the time I went to Oregon. I've never been to Oregon, but it's a good story none the less.”
Oregon – March 28, 2013

“I mean, there's a large difference between goats and plutonium.”
Plamps – April 4, 2013

“I'm bound by contract to not say things, but I can say things about my not being able to say things. That's called cannibalism.”
Grand Rapids, Nebraska – April 25, 2013

“They’re probably trying to get me to reveal my secret identity as Doesn’t Own a Chrysler Man.”
Gerbil Leader – May 2, 2013

“For those who are from Greenland, you're not from Greenland. No one is from Greenland, and you're a liar.”
Oh Today’s Thursday – May 23, 2013

“Even Ukrainians from Oregon haven't seen ghost liquid of this caliber.”
Ghost Liquid – July 11, 2013

“The cargo ship is brown, by the way.”
Musical Cacti – July 25, 2013

“Did you know that once a year the supercar of the sea emerges from the ocean depths to lay its eggs? I did.”
Cabbage – August 8, 2013

“There wasn't much I could do about it considering it was half a goat and it would be all like, super-not politically correct to not let it do what it wanted.”
BUT I’M SLEEPY – October 3, 2013

“Goodnight Pepsi. That is what I would say if my son was named Pepsi. And by named Pepsi I mean my son would have a superpower where he could mutate, over the course of three and a half hours, into a severely flat two liter bottle of Pepsi.”
Noodles and Pregnant Roasts, like the cooked ones – November 7, 2013

“Have you heard that one of Santa's favorite past times is giving away free lawn chairs to the Homeless People with Middle Class Dwellings Foundation? Like, not even the good lawn chairs either. One of those generic white ones. You know what I'm talking about.”
Hopeful Economic Down Flips – December 19, 2013

“For those of you wondering, ejemplo is not a Spanish word. Ejemplo (pronounced EE-jim-PLOE) is more important than anything you could encounter in the Spanish wilderness.”
For Be the Ejemplo – January 23, 2014

Year 2:

“At this juncture, I do not currently possess the knowledge for me to report the number of clams in business attire and/or have mustaches.”
Absurd Flatulence’s One Year Anniversary Post of Extravaganza Beautiful – February 13, 2014

“I mean, sometimes you just have those friends that are like hey you suck I don't like you and then later that same evening you get sad because they died unexpectedly. Everyone has a friend like that.”
NEW but Not New or Improved Actually Just Old – March 6, 2014

“Welcome to Abflats, we're more truthful than North Korean news companies.”
Goblin Hemo – April 17, 2014

“Basically, the seasons are in Gandhi types. There are eleven types of Gandhi that the seasons could choose from every year.”
Pubble Ppace Pelescope – May 15, 2014

“I propose a plan to help the United States economy. It's no ordinary plan either, it's a plan that would help the entire nobody. Anyway, my plan is, theoretically, we kidnap the Big Ben clock tower.”
Gold Is Not Sometimes Colored Florescent Purple – May 22, 2014

“Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp Burlp”
Happy Belated Shoe Day – June 5, 2014

“The very pressing topic that we need to address here on Abflats is, you guessed it, burrito clothing.”
Pebbles and Their Hard to Pronounce Ancestors – July 3, 2014

 “Finally, I just simply put that I sometimes replace song lyrics with 'beef stroganoff' instead. You know, like, beef stroganoff, beef stroganoff, how lovely are your branches?”
Galactic Subtraction Problems – July 17, 2014

“My idea is, we purchase two hippos from our local Africa and put these hippos on a large yacht with "Gulf of Iran or Bust!" painted on the side in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico.”
Plankton and the Magical Burritos – July 24, 2014

“Would you believe that Srebrinovo is a village in the Panagyurishte municipality of western Bulgaria and has exactly twenty-five inhabitants? Well you better believe it because it's true.”
Did You Even Can? – September 11, 2014

“Your name could be Phillips and you wouldn't even have known it. Some people are born with Phillips, but others find out along the way that they are Phillips. If you speak Spanish and your name is Spain Man, your name could be Phillips.”
Burdens and Turtles – October 2, 2014

“Your name could be Pod Pod.”
Potato Diplomacy II – October 16, 2014

“Now, I don't know if you know this, but Don Domino is real.”
Hand Grenade Holiday – November 13, 2014

“Other than Florida, Minnesota is the only place where you can see ground. No other place in the world exists. Florida and Minnesota are the only two places on the entire world that have ground.”
Can Concrete Be Made From Cheese? – December 4, 2014

“There is a very widespread epidemic going around known as grape salad, and it is sadly unknown by most of the population. Basically, it's just a bowl of grapes. That's all grape salad is. But also, it contains lit firecrackers. Lit firecrackers are also in grape salad.”
Hamburger Unhelpful – January 15, 2015

“The song would then be like, "Here comes my hat, doo dee doo doo. Here comes my hat, and I say -- it's all right (doo doop)x4" And the background video would just be a slow motion video of a black bowler hat slightly rotating through space.”
Bridge the Cap – January 22, 2015

Year 3:

“But on Thanksgiving morning the people of a town in northern Idaho woke up to like fifty brick chimneys just standing upright in their town park.”
Absurd Flatulence’s Two Year Anniversary Post of Extravaganza Beautiful –February 12, 2015

“You're probably one of those people who showed up to science class that one day wearing a black balaclava and carrying a watermelon in one arm and a machete in the opposite hand. Then when the teacher instructs you to remove the skin on a cat, you stab the watermelon whilst simultaneously screaming, "FIRE, FIRE, FIRE." I'm sure you're definitely one of those people.”
Determining Hip Velocity – March 5, 2015

“Sometimes you just have to wear red shirts. And sometimes, when wearing those red shirts, they slowly change from red to black colored, usually horizontally, at a speed of about an inch per hour.”
Have? – April 23, 2015

“Q”
In Accordance – April 30, 2015

“It was a truly outstanding day when the cello was made. Of course there should be something bigger than a violin, and of course that something shouldn't be as big as a bass.”
Seventy Eight – May 7, 2015

“Recently, I came up with an idea for a new sport. The main premise of the sport is evaporation. Basically, if you consider continental drift, rounds last twenty minutes. After twenty minutes, the round is over. After a round concludes, a new one begins. After the game is over a winner is crowned.”
Crops – June 11, 2015

“This paragraph is, traditionally, the one where I make up words to fill the paragraph. Trashpop-gumbo could be one as well. I mean, we may need it at some point. Trashpop-gumbo is definitely something that could prove useful at any given moment. You cannot count trashpop-gumbo out of any sort of competition.”
Situational Cramping – July 2, 2015

“Cab drivers sure are terrible. Have you seen them? They have those weird, incredibly long noses. And they eat ants. Who does that? Like, really. Oh wait, I'm thinking of ant-eaters.”
Tarp Flips – July 9, 2015

“There's nothing I love doing more than buying debt. Debt is by far the best investment someone could ever make. It's like paying money to have less money than what you used to pay. It's great.”
CHOI vs SORROWCHAMBERtm – August 13, 2015

“If you answered yes, then you win. But in a much more real sense, you completely lose.”
Send Me the Bill, Like the Clinton – August 27, 2015

“And I'm not talking about Wyoming, I'm talking about being on fire. Wyoming is much more desirable than being on fire. That calculation is mostly affected by the fact that one of those states has Yellowstone National Park in it. And Yellowstone National Park is desirable.”
Grilled Chair Not Cheese – September 3, 2015

“The next commercial just features Newt Gingrich playing the tuba very badly.”
Faulty – September 24, 2015

“It occurred to me the other day that no one has yet to monopolize the windshield business. My proposition involves the hijacking of the windshield industry. I feel like my company should be named something subtle, such as "We're Stealing the Windshield Business". Our inventory will consist of every windshield to ever exist for any reason.”
Howier ManDELLTHECOMPANY – October 15, 2015

“Snakes on a Saturday afternoon with my mom just called me and my dad just called me and my friends are so many people.”
The Only Way to Get a Job – October 22, 2015

“Speaking of forgetting things, you probably don't remember ji plug pu - melon nai.”
Strange Shape – November 19, 2015

“If people living in the United Arab Emirates looked almost directly to the east, they would notice something odd. A bad Oman, some might say.”
Ward Off Predators, Specifically Bats – November 26, 2015

“There is absolutely no possible way that the moon is real. I mean look at it. First of all, it's round. We all know that round things don't exist. Secondly, it's craterous. Now, when was the last time you saw something real AND craterous.”
Dolphins for President – December 10, 2015

“First of all, what kind of bank loans elephants. Commerce? Probably not. I'm sure there are not many banks in the world dealing in largest land mammals. Second, what would the interest rate be for a loan of this type?”
Zero Tolerance Bean Dip – January 28, 2016

Year 4:

“Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam Guam.”
Guam – February 11, 2016

“Please question the ethics of salmon. They are the worst people, morally speaking. They think it's okay to step on someone's foot and not apologize.”
Souper Man – March 17, 2016

“For the fourth time Nancy, you can't dress up as the Weimar Republic. It's just not natural. You'll start off being worth like a quarter of a US dollar. But then in only nine years you'll be worth like one four-trillionth of a US dollar.”
Souper Man – April 14, 2016

“Well, what do they say about the guy that finishes fifteenth? I'll tell you what they say. They say that he is not far from being in sixteenth. And we all know what they say about the guy who comes sixteenth. That's right. He wears sweater vests. Just for reference, the guy who comes in thirty eighth is usually considered a communist.”
Soup in a Bucket, Soup in a Shoe – May 5, 2016

“You were both probably thinking, "wow this isn't a good idea but I'm doing it anyway." Then Putin probably thought, "wow am i russian or what."”
Zombie Baked Goods – June 9, 2016

“Don't you DARE follow your dreams. Buy a Cadillac.”
Dimes and Waterballoons – July 21, 2016

“Speaking of floors, did you know that the first floor ever was designed by Edgar Lubius in his shoe shop in downtown New York City in 1851. It was a revolutionary invention that would spark architectural design for decades to come.”
Don’t The Always – August 4, 2016

“You probably buy clothes at the soup store.”
Fold a Bottle of Syrup – August 11, 2016

“Professors from all over the world giggle in back rooms at the notion of lumberjacks. Simply put, professors think lumberjacks are silly and useless. If professors had it their way, all lumberjacks would be turned into something better, say a loaf of fresh milk.”
The United Plates – September 8, 2016

“I will eradicate the vegetable-fruit population. I don't mean the fruit and vegetable population. I mean the vegetable-fruit population. That is to say, vegetables that are also fruits. Some examples of these mythical edibles include ,, +=error.”
Ground Up Soda Machines – September 29, 2016

“Finally, emit the loudest audible scream you have ever produced in your many years of existence. Go as loud as conceivably possible. Don't stop until your face starts to turn bright purple. Congratulations. You spoke braille.”
How To Speak Braille – October 6, 2016

“Time, indeed, for another one of Alarmingly Realistic Fried Shrimp Emoji's famous rap songs. That's right. A famous song that is in the rap genre written by Alarmingly Realistic Fried Shrimp Emoji.”
Tortilla Government – October 27, 2016

“For far too long, buoys have been the bane of humankind's existence.”
Don’t Torment Me – November 10, 2016

“You could have ten necks and not even know it. I'm serious. You could have exactly ten necks. No more, no less. You may think you have only one neck. But you could have ten. Ten freaking necks. Think of your neck. Now think of ten of those exact necks, all attached to your upper torso.”
Seven Bags of Working Class Snails – December 1, 2016

“Snakes, in general, are just sentient tubes. Since snakes have the same shape throughout, they can be thought of as stupid.”
The Anteater Olympics – December 29, 2016

⠪⠲⠠⠡⠀⠢⠾⡆⠪⠉⠑⡀⠺⠀⠙⠿⡆⡽⡾⢦⠀⠐⠨⠤⡋⡓⠀⠛⠵⠾⠋
⠢⠁⠀⠡⠐⠢⠴⠖⠀⠍⠡⠴⠮⠮⠀⠍⠩⠣⠷⡈⡈⡖⡲⠀⠍⠡⠲
⠕⠨⡇⠀⠌⠟⠎⠑⡊⠀⠐⠫⠽⠷⠁⠍ ⠾⡜⡚⡒⠠⠀⠏⠾⠴⠗⠣⠿⠀⠄⠴⠹⠐⡉⠣⠺”
How To Read Braille – January 12, 2017

“I mean just look how it balances out the goatee on this goat. Total hair control.”
Abflats’ Extra Special Magical Four Year Anniversary Extravaganza Post Part One: The Penultimate


Well that's that. This is more than likely the longest post in Absurd Flatulence history. Blogspot's software is becoming very very buggy. At any rate, those were some of the bestest quotes from this very website that I could find. There's probably some more good ones out there, BUT NO ONE WILL EVER SEE THEM BECAUSE IT'S LIKE FINDING THE THINNEST NEEDLE IN THE BIGGEST HAYSTACK I MEAN COME ON. Anyway, that does it for Absurd Flatulence. Feel free to go back and read each of those posts that the quotes came from. They're pretty good in their entirety. Until next time(which is never because Abflats is ending)! This concludes our broadcast day.

-Griffin 

Friday, February 10, 2017

Abflats' Extra Special Magical Four Year Anniversary Extravaganza Post Part One: The Penultimate

(I thought this got posted yesterday I mean I pressed the post button who in the world would do this to me it was saved as a draft when I looked just now help me)

Welcome, all, welcome. You're all welcome. This post right here today is the first post in a series of two posts celebrating the fourth year that Abflats has existed. How exciting. The reason that there will be two posts is because two simple reasons:
  1. The actual anniversary date of the first Abflats post, February 14, falls almost perfectly centered between two, sandwiching Thursdays. 
  2. I do what I want
Lists are fantastic because they offer a great way for boring people to express themselves. Much like the people who invented bagpipes. What's more boring than bagpipes? Nothing. Nothing is more boring than bagpipes. It takes a special type of boring person to think up the idea for bagpipes. "Oh wow do I have a great idea that will revolutionize the music industry! Let's take a big straw, made of like reeds or some crap, and blow really hard into a bag with it. Nothing could be more exciting." Who do you think you are, person who invented bagpipes? You think just because you're from SCOTLAND or some other stupid country that no one has ever heard of, you can just walk around pretending that you know how to invent musical instruments?! Shame on you. Shame on your family. It is all the more evident that parents are becoming increasingly irresponsible if fools like you get to go around and pretend to invent poor excuses for instruments. 

Now that that's over, let's talk about Turkey. Not turkey as in the food, I mean Turkey as in the country. Did you know that Turkey, or the Republic of Turkey officially, is a transcontinental country in Eurasia, mainly in Anatolia in Western Asia, but also with a small portion in the Balkan peninsula in Southeast Europe? Actually, I change my mind, let's just talk about the food turkey. It's pretty good, I guess. It has like special mana potions in it that makes you sleepy or something. Personally, it's not my favorite. It's really really dry when cooked most of the time for some reason. You have to drench it in gravy to make it not taste like sandpaper. It's kind of depressing.

I would now like to call your attention to the spinal column. As you can see from this freaking diagram of a goat vertebra, the spine is pretty important. I mean just look how it balances out the goatee on this goat. Total hair control. I wonder if he uses Gillette. You know what, I doubt it. Goats probably are too stupid to shave.  I don't have anything against goats, believe me, I just think they're absolutely daft. Why do they exist? They're like a cheap knock-off of a sheep combined with a cheap knock-off of a cow. Just useless. Goat cheese? More like vomit. 

This Abflats post is soon coming to a close. But do not fret! Next week will be part two of the amazing Abflats four year anniversary posting tour! It's a tour because    +=error
Next week should be a great post. Take it from me, I'm against buoys. Goats have no idea what's in store for them next week. Their tiny little goat mind will not be able to comprehend the words that will be written on this site one week from today, you can mark my  , I'm serious.

-Griffin

Thursday, February 2, 2017

u ever seen a grape, boy?

I cannot BELIEVE that. I mean really! Oh, sorry. I was in the middle of a different post. I guess I will start writing this one now. It's better than the other post, anyway. The other post is about buoys, and we all know how much the buoys support nationalism. Buoys are not the topic of this post, though. We've already discussed their disgusting properties. This post, rather, is about- 

What if, as like a joke or something, the Oreo company like packaged just the white fillings instead of their full cookies in one pack? Like, usually you get that little, blue, rectangular package where you peel the top plastic cover revealing like 30ish cookies made of small black circles with white paste in between them. What if they didn't put the black circles around the white stuff, and just put white stuff in the package? It would still be sealed like normal. Nothing about the packaging would be out of the ordinary, just it only contains the cookie fillings. I think that would be-

We should buy New Hampshire

-Griffin

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Seven Percent Topaz

Hello once again and welcome to I'm your host, Tucson, Arizona. I can remember it as if it was just yesterday, when the land underneath Tucson, Arizona was formed. You see, all that dirt came in to being when a great big shark decided to put a bunch of dirt in Arizona. Tucson used to be a sea, you know. The sharks made the city happen. It's almost criminal how society doesn't recognize the original, city-planning sharks of Tucson. They were hammerheads probably.

Okay here's the deal. No one cares if you think underlined words are cool. They're not. Stop asking me to underline things. You should be underlined. See how you like it. Probably wouldn't think it was too funny, if I had to guess. In fact, you'd probably cry. I simply refuse to bend to the will of the Pro-Underliners. They cannot, and will not, force me to underline a single word ever and you can take that to every bank in existence.

For people who don't understand Chinese, there's a really simple tool to give you the edge against your friends. It's called the pencil. The pencil is a small tool, usually between five and eight inches long, about a quarter-inch in diameter, and usually made of wood. What's so special about this small wooden rod, you ask? Well the pencil is unique in that it has this graphite filling on the insides that allow it to mark things, such as paper. No more pens for you, as the pencil almost always has a small rubber disk glued to the end which, when rubbed, removes the graphite right off the face of the paper. Magic!

-Griffin

Thursday, January 19, 2017

C'mon Poland

Is there anyone here who can even read? Like, almost no people can read. It boggles my mind. If you can read, please tell me. I need to know who can read. I need to know. You might as well be a chimney, loser. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I mean, I did, but I also didn't. Burnt plastic is really the way to go, for like, all the situations. I mean really. Forget the toxicity of burning plastic, think of the children. Please.

Forcible tornado cream, am i right?? hah. No. No I'm not. Never speak to me again. You speak to me again, and I will call you a chimney like twelve more times. I'm serious. You chimney. That's one. Eleven more times are coming. Don't even come near me with that chimney face you chimney. UGH.

Forget the snowmans, shoot the goats with boat cannons. That is, cannons that fire goat projectiles. Very popular in.....absolutely no where. Who would ever use those for any purpose whatsoever? No one. That's who. Goats are a horrible projectile. They probably can't even pierce like six inches of armor. Useless. Can't even use them for assassinations.

-Griffin

Thursday, January 12, 2017

How To Read Braille

Welcome back to everyone's favorite braille simulator. Unlike the last post where we talked about braille, this post is actually going to teach you to read braille. It will do this by exposure. The remainder of this post will be in braille. ⠶⡉⠴⠥⠀⠩⠣⠷⡆⡠⠴⡌⠀⡃⡓⠶⡇⠵⠽⠭⡇⠪⠀⡌⡞⠫⠮⡑⡂⡔⠊⠀
⠸⠴⠌⣎⣕⠄⠠⠀⠶⠿⠟⠥
⢸⢝⡹⢐⢅⠀⠬⡇⠟⠸⡠⡛⡂⠞⠬⡄⠀
⠤⡓⠾⠶⡃⠀⡎⡝⠵⠺⡉⠯⡘⠴⠹⠀⡃⡪⡧⠀⠡⡐⡐⠲⡀⠧⡅

⠐⠤⠵⠖⠝⠀⠢⠴⡐⠩⠳⡓⠯⠊⠘⠬⠁⠡⠀⠰⡌⡔⠠⠀⠬⠲⠎⠀⠙⠚⠌⠀⠁⠗⠶⡈⠀⠀⠂⠖⠟⠙⠶⠀⠣⠅⠀⠍⠾ 
⠠⠫⠾⠋⠀⠡⠽⠫⠕⠀⠡⡈⡁⡟⠀⡃⡠⠖⠩⠙⠎⠎ 
⠶⠀⠬⡉⠩⠢⠂⠀⠛⠷⠪⠶⠒⠉⠚⠆⠀⠶⡉⠘⡔⡛⠠⡕⠺⠀⠊⠋⠁⠁⠀⠖⠴⡇⡇⠛⠇⠌⠁⠀⠦ 
⡋⠞⠌⠴⠀⠏⠫⡑⡰⠸⠐⠄⠀⠄⠬⠾⠽⢹⢢⢉⣌⣈⣍⠀⠡⡛⠥⠾⠀⠏⠴⠽⠜⠭⡉⡑⠞⠀⠦⠤⠎⠅ 

⠀⠪⠲⠠⠡⠀⠢⠾⡆⠪⠉⠑⡀⠺⠀⠙⠿⡆⡽⡾⢦⠀⠐⠨⠤⡋⡓⠀⠛⠵⠾⠋ 
⠢⠁⠀⠡⠐⠢⠴⠖⠀⠍⠡⠴⠮⠮⠀⠍⠩⠣⠷⡈⡈⡖⡲⠀⠍⠡⠲ ⠀
⠕⠨⡇⠀⠌⠟⠎⠑⡊⠀⠐⠫⠽⠷⠁⠍ ⠾⡜⡚⡒⠠⠀⠏⠾⠴⠗⠣⠿⠀⠄⠴⠹⠐⡉⠣⠺

-⠋⠨⠪⠋⠂⡋

Friday, January 6, 2017

FORKS

FIRST POST OF 2017 IS A MISSED POST I AM SO SORRY I AM SO SORRY I HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE RECENTLY KEEP IN MIND THAT I HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE RECENTLY I WILL MAKE UP FOR IT I PROMISE HERE HAVE MY FAVORITE PASTRY AS COMPENSATION FOR MY TERRIBLE RECENTLY

-GRIFFIN