The Anteater Olympics

Snakes. That's right. All of them. Every snake in the world. Have you seen all those snakes? Yes. You most certainly have. There is but one snake in the entire universe that has not been seen by anyone. And that snake is, of course, the snake that does not exist. If it existed, then it would have been seen. If it had been seen, then it certainly exists. Of course, that isn't to say that, all snakes in the world haven't ever been seen because they obviously have under all circumstances been seen by everyone in the world. I'm just saying that if you've never seen a snake then it doesn't exist.

Welcome to the part of the snake that is the snake's body. That's the entire part of the snake. The snake is all body. It's just a tube shape. Snakes, in general, are just sentient tubes. Since snakes have the same shape throughout, they can be thought of as stupid. You should have a difference of shape between different parts of your body. That's just common sense. Imbeciles.

It is said that snakes have a mind of a fourth grader. I'm here to tell you that that isn't true in the slightest. Snakes have such a worse mind than that. They, perhaps, have minds equivalent to dirt, or tapioca. You might say, "OH WELL DIRT AND TAPIOCA DON'T HAVE MINDS," and my response would be: have you ever seen tapioca? Forget it not having a mind, that stuff is like a Soviet Union. Abraham Lincoln voted for snakes.

-Griffin

I DIDN'T MEAN IT

I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY

-GRIFFIN

MOLD FOR THE PRICE OF MOLD

NO POST THIS WEEK SORRY BUT I WAS DEALTHY ILL I MEAN BUSY SO THERE'S ALSO A CHANCE THAT THERE COULD THEORETICALLY BE THIRTEEN MEATLOAFS INSIDE A CLOTHES BASKET IN DOWNTOWN DAYTON, OHIO

-GRIFFIN

Carlos And His Guild Of Bats

Hi. Can't you just for one second stop patronizing me? Surely I deserve better than this. I mean, you're just a solid block of bird poop. Who, in the freaking world, would ever listen to a solid block of bird poop? And I don't mean the like sort of solid kind like maybe jello or something, I'm talking the hardest material known to man. Diamonds mixed with carbon fiber mixed with even more diamonds mixed with ice mixed with concrete mixed with steel mixed with iron mixed with steel mixed with concrete mixed with canola oil. Scientists call it, Bob Material.

Ecuador, am i right?

More to the point, have you ever seen the sky? I mean really seen it? I don't think it's really there. I think science is trying to deceive us, just as they tried to deceive us about the Bob Material. But we all know how well that turned out for them. I mean just look what happened during the 1940s. The invention of fans (air blowing devices) sure didn't help things. They did nothing but cause harm to all. All. Every.

Silicone should be illegal. I mean it.

-Griffin

Seven Bags of Working Class Snails

You could have ten necks and not even know it. I'm serious. You could have exactly ten necks. No more, no less. You may think you have only one neck. But you could have ten. Ten freaking necks. Think of your neck. Now think of ten of those exact necks, all attached to your upper torso. Unbelievable, isn't it? Well, it's true. Just like the p in pterodactyl, the other nine necks are silent. 

Serious time now. You need to stop joking around, for it is now serious time. That joke you made about all lions needing to eat banks to survive wasn't even that great of a joke. Come to think of it, it didn't sound like a joke at all. More like a ludicrous cry for help. You must think that banks are lower in the food chain than lions. Well, I have a surprise for you. Banks aren't on the food chain. Because they're not food. They're banks. For money.

If I had three reasons to exercise my right as a Canadian Citizen to eat a cough drop anytime I wanted, I would only use one of those reasons to justify eating a cough drop. Who needs three reasons?? What is this? The fourth century?? No. It isn't. I don't need those extra two reasons to eat a cough drop. I can eat cough drops anytime I want. I can have them for breakfast if I want to. Six cough drops with a side of sausage patties and a black coffee. My kind of breakfast.

-Griffin