It's that time again the time when we get paper cuts from very sharp pieces of plastic. For example, those cable tie materials. Or even, perhaps, the stuff most CD cases are made of. It's not know whether you can be attacked by bronze or not, but I'm not taking that chance. If your name was Rob McBroth, you probably wouldn't care to be attacked by nonsensical demon zombies just standing around waiting to attack someone with their ancient rusty sword just itching to give someone tetanus.
According to some words I found, tetanus can be contracted by touching a blanket or a doorknob. This was according to the Mayo Clinic. Why on Earth people are taking advice from mayonnaise with doctorate degrees, I'll never know, but I wouldn't think blankets or doorknobs would be the most common places to receive tetanus. You would think that injected during alien abduction would be higher on the list of common ways to contract tetanus. You would think that even swimming in the river directly adjacent to Chernobyl would be more common.
As long as triangles exist, we will continue to create things in the shape of triangles. If triangles didn't exist, then we would not ever, and I mean never ever, create a triangle shaped object. There are almost forty liquidation options available for objects not shaped like a triangle. That's opposed to six thousand nine hundred twenty one liquidation options available for triangle shaped objects indeed. Serious timing issues.
-Griffin
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Post Mold
How could you. There's no way, absolutely none, that you would be able to eat a cheese without help. It's impossible. Not even close to being able to do it ever nope. Quit complaining, and do not eat a cheese without help it's not real. You could be a road and still would not be able to eat a cheese without adult supervision. And by supervision we, of course, mean how Superman can cook bacon with his eyes.
Imagine, just imagine, someone using a flip-phone. I mean can you imagine? Flip-phones are basically like the language Latin. It's dead and nobody likes it. Don't forget to tip your waitresses off the sinking ship they're just added weight making you go down faster and you need to live because you think you left the oven on at home and when was the last time a waitress went to your house after you died in a sinking ship to turn your oven off and feed your cat never that's when. You alone are responsible for your home appliances after surviving a ship sinking.
Helmets should become mandatory attire for business meetings. It would make things go a lot quicker, I believe, if people had a huge, uncomfortable piece of hard plastic strapped to their head. But, of course, you'll always have that one guy in the office that wears those stupid comfortable foam helmets that don't protect your head at all and he just wears it to make the meeting take longer he is the worst. That's it.
-Griffin
Imagine, just imagine, someone using a flip-phone. I mean can you imagine? Flip-phones are basically like the language Latin. It's dead and nobody likes it. Don't forget to tip your waitresses off the sinking ship they're just added weight making you go down faster and you need to live because you think you left the oven on at home and when was the last time a waitress went to your house after you died in a sinking ship to turn your oven off and feed your cat never that's when. You alone are responsible for your home appliances after surviving a ship sinking.
Helmets should become mandatory attire for business meetings. It would make things go a lot quicker, I believe, if people had a huge, uncomfortable piece of hard plastic strapped to their head. But, of course, you'll always have that one guy in the office that wears those stupid comfortable foam helmets that don't protect your head at all and he just wears it to make the meeting take longer he is the worst. That's it.
-Griffin
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Seven Orange Union Protesters
Welcome. Of course it's time to announce for candidacy for President of the United States Fifty Pounds of Raw Salmon. Fifty Pounds of Raw Salmon would like the American people to know that it does not take kindly to seafood being eaten anywhere ever. They promise, should they be elected president, to imprison every human that exists and if you're only partly human you still get imprisoned. If you think you can hide from the Raw Salmon Administration, you're wrong, because Fifty Pounds of Raw Salmon would like to officially announce its new infrared human-detector vision which allows them to see all humans that exist ever the whole time. You will be imprisoned if you are human and Fifty Pounds of Raw Salmon is elected.
That paragraph was sponsored by Fifty Pounds of Raw Salmon they paid me to say all that. Even if you're old, maybe like three thirty noon, you still get paid to do things that's called capitalism. Invest in your expensive tree things this fall before time runs out and what we mean by time running out is that the sun is set to explode by this winter so invest while you can. Once the sun explodes this winter, you really will want to have all you expensive tree things in line because it will be kind of chilly, because it's winter, and then really warm, because the sun exploding.
You're going to want to wear your long socks because it's going to get condiment in here. Get ready. There aren't enough months in the year to justify purchasing a tornado simulation device because why the crap would you purchase this it's May. I forgot to mention Fifty Pounds of Raw Salmon's campaign slogan it's 'Feel the Fifty Pounds of Raw Salmon'.
-Griffin
That paragraph was sponsored by Fifty Pounds of Raw Salmon they paid me to say all that. Even if you're old, maybe like three thirty noon, you still get paid to do things that's called capitalism. Invest in your expensive tree things this fall before time runs out and what we mean by time running out is that the sun is set to explode by this winter so invest while you can. Once the sun explodes this winter, you really will want to have all you expensive tree things in line because it will be kind of chilly, because it's winter, and then really warm, because the sun exploding.You're going to want to wear your long socks because it's going to get condiment in here. Get ready. There aren't enough months in the year to justify purchasing a tornado simulation device because why the crap would you purchase this it's May. I forgot to mention Fifty Pounds of Raw Salmon's campaign slogan it's 'Feel the Fifty Pounds of Raw Salmon'.
-Griffin
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Soup in a Bucket, Soup in a Shoe
Hello again and welcome to your favorite moth. I meant to say moth, but instead I said moth. Don't confuse the alligator with the salmon, they always say. Anyway, notice how little you know about cloud language. Literally nothing, because it's something that doesn't exist and hasn't existed since everything has existed. If you knew even a little about cloud language, you would be a liar, you liar. Liars don't get to vote in general elections for the Committee of Electing Someone Through Honest People, or CESTHP for short.
If I had three pretzels for every pretzel I ate, I would have a net gain of two pretzels every time I ate a pretzel. I would have an unlimited amount of pretzels. This is an extreme profit, or as the cool kids call it a "PLUTONIUM-CLOG." Such rascals. What the cool kids have to say is neither here nor there, but what I have to say is that having even close to infinity number of pretzels is about equivalent to having close to infinity number of happiness.
That said, cereal can't read. Do you want to know why? Do you want to know why cereal cannot read? Do you want to know the reasons behind why cereal, a once grand diplomat to South-Central Asia, does not have the ability to read? Do you want to know? Of course not. You're not in the Federal Bureau of Finding Out the Reasons Why Cereal Can't Read. Otherwise known as the FBFORWCCR.
They always say nice guys finish fourth. Well, what do they say about the guy that finishes fifteenth? I'll tell you what they say. They say that he is not far from being in sixteenth. And we all know what they say about the guy who comes sixteenth. That's right. He wears sweater vests. Just for reference, the guy who comes in thirty eighth is usually considered a communist. Thanks.
-Griffin
If I had three pretzels for every pretzel I ate, I would have a net gain of two pretzels every time I ate a pretzel. I would have an unlimited amount of pretzels. This is an extreme profit, or as the cool kids call it a "PLUTONIUM-CLOG." Such rascals. What the cool kids have to say is neither here nor there, but what I have to say is that having even close to infinity number of pretzels is about equivalent to having close to infinity number of happiness.
That said, cereal can't read. Do you want to know why? Do you want to know why cereal cannot read? Do you want to know the reasons behind why cereal, a once grand diplomat to South-Central Asia, does not have the ability to read? Do you want to know? Of course not. You're not in the Federal Bureau of Finding Out the Reasons Why Cereal Can't Read. Otherwise known as the FBFORWCCR.
They always say nice guys finish fourth. Well, what do they say about the guy that finishes fifteenth? I'll tell you what they say. They say that he is not far from being in sixteenth. And we all know what they say about the guy who comes sixteenth. That's right. He wears sweater vests. Just for reference, the guy who comes in thirty eighth is usually considered a communist. Thanks.
-Griffin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)