Hello and welcome to this week's wooden totem pole. Excuse me, but I always get the two mixed up. This is an Abflats post, not a wooden totem pole. If I had three hundred million dollars for every time I got those two things confused, I would probably have a lot more money than the average human. Even the average cat, too. Not many of them have over three hundred million dollars. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if it's legal for a cat's name to be on a bank account. How are all these cats keeping their money?
What if tornadoes were made of some sort of candy? Maybe cotton candy, or jolly-ranchers, or silly putty, or maybe even gum. That would make tornadoes much more cheerful. Currently, tornadoes are not very cheerful at all. Really, if you saw a giant funnel of pink cotton candy coming towards you at various miles per hour, you would not be inclined to cry. Even if it was going various kilometers per hour. But really, why would it do that?
What if, at the Geneva convention, they made a law that countries needed to have actual, physical lines on their borders. Then, every country would need to go around and paint huge black lines on their borders. It would be extremely inconvenient. And the Swiss people would have to establish a special committee of people who go around and make sure the black lines are painted in the correct place. They would, too, probably have to check to make sure the paint is the correct viscosity and color. It would be millions upon millions of dollars basically eviscerated.
I almost forgot to include this last, fourth paragraph, as it is a fairly new addition to Abflats recently. How could you have done that. Why do I use words that are typically meant for questiony sentences but then end it with a period. It doesn't make sense? Also, with my use of punctuation, you failed to notice the dolphins. There are thousands of them. Everyday, they swim. Absolutely horrifying.
-Griffin
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Doctor Progladosh
Welcome to this week's new and improved Abflats post. What makes this post new and improved, you ask? You bet! Alright, now we have many things to talk about during this post so I will stop wasting your time with these first few sentences. They really haven't served an adequate point to the post yet besides being a segway into what we are really going to talk about during the majority of this post. Also, according to this, segway is not a word which is a poor life choice considering it's a synonym for transition and also it is a thing with two wheels that moves based on weight distribution.
Alright, now that you have made it to the second paragraph, there are some steps you should take to make sure you have a safe trip throughout this Abflats post. First of all, tie all of your belongings down with bungee cables or polyurethane adhesive. Once that is complete, you will no longer be in danger of having your belongings not be tied down. The next step in preparedness is to find a job at your local pizza delivery place. This step is crucial to the next step. The third step is that you need to eliminate the Illuminati. Once the Illuminati is eliminated, you have done a good job.
Now we're getting to the real section of the post. This section is notorious for including various plant and insect life. Specifically, if you were to plant a tree, it may be in danger of dying. Allow me to elaborate. Scientists have estimated that there is a .00000000000000129838% of the sun exploding at any given time. Therefore, any tree you plant has the possibility of dying from sun explosion. You should always consider these facts when planting plants.
You have successfully arrived at paragraph four! I would congratulate you, but that is not an accomplishment. Also, I can safely assume you don't know how long it would take Mount Rushmore to completely erode into an unrecognizable state. Well, I'm here to give you that answer right now. It's roughly 7.2 million years. So, get your photos while there is still time.
-Griffin
Alright, now that you have made it to the second paragraph, there are some steps you should take to make sure you have a safe trip throughout this Abflats post. First of all, tie all of your belongings down with bungee cables or polyurethane adhesive. Once that is complete, you will no longer be in danger of having your belongings not be tied down. The next step in preparedness is to find a job at your local pizza delivery place. This step is crucial to the next step. The third step is that you need to eliminate the Illuminati. Once the Illuminati is eliminated, you have done a good job.
Now we're getting to the real section of the post. This section is notorious for including various plant and insect life. Specifically, if you were to plant a tree, it may be in danger of dying. Allow me to elaborate. Scientists have estimated that there is a .00000000000000129838% of the sun exploding at any given time. Therefore, any tree you plant has the possibility of dying from sun explosion. You should always consider these facts when planting plants.
You have successfully arrived at paragraph four! I would congratulate you, but that is not an accomplishment. Also, I can safely assume you don't know how long it would take Mount Rushmore to completely erode into an unrecognizable state. Well, I'm here to give you that answer right now. It's roughly 7.2 million years. So, get your photos while there is still time.
-Griffin
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Crops
This event right now is really quite unusual. I am actually writing a post before I become busy on a Thursday. I will still be busy later, but I'm actually writing a post this time instead of pretended to be a plant. Speaking of plants, do you know how many species of plants exist? Many. Many species. At least four. Maybe even more than four. That's all I could count when I was pretended to be a plant, though. I'm sure there are more plants than that though. The German folk probably know a lot more about that topic than I do, however.
Speaking of Germany, have you seen the new oats? They're a lot better than their predecessor, boring oats. They're also round. They're round oats. If you put a lot of them in a bowl with mucus it makes oatmeal. How many oats does it take to make it an oat meal? Probably more than one. If you ate one oat it wouldn't be a very good meal. They probably even feed members of congress more food than that. A single oat is not part of a balanced breakfast.
Recently, I came up with an idea for a new sport. The main premiss of the sport is evaporation. Basically, if you consider continental drift, rounds last twenty minutes. After twenty minutes, the round is over. After a round concludes, a new one begins. After the game is over a winner is crowned. I estimate that one game could last up to 40 years. Then the winner gets a prize in a bust of his own head. The bust is about sixteen feet wide and made of solid granite. After the winner wins, we lob the massive bust into his house at a speed of 30 to 91 meters per second. We sometimes use cattle prods, which are now rechargeable too.
This will be the final paragraph of this week's Abflats post. I will try writing all future Abflats posts at a length of four paragraphs to make up for the many weeks of failure. I don't know how long the four paragraph posts will last, but I estimate that one game could last up to 40 years. Either way, the Mayans cannot reconquer the Arctic Circle for many reasons. The most important reason is that the Mayans never actually conquered the Arctic Circle to begin with. Another quite important reason is that all of the Mayans are dead. Okay bye.
-Griffin
Speaking of Germany, have you seen the new oats? They're a lot better than their predecessor, boring oats. They're also round. They're round oats. If you put a lot of them in a bowl with mucus it makes oatmeal. How many oats does it take to make it an oat meal? Probably more than one. If you ate one oat it wouldn't be a very good meal. They probably even feed members of congress more food than that. A single oat is not part of a balanced breakfast.
Recently, I came up with an idea for a new sport. The main premiss of the sport is evaporation. Basically, if you consider continental drift, rounds last twenty minutes. After twenty minutes, the round is over. After a round concludes, a new one begins. After the game is over a winner is crowned. I estimate that one game could last up to 40 years. Then the winner gets a prize in a bust of his own head. The bust is about sixteen feet wide and made of solid granite. After the winner wins, we lob the massive bust into his house at a speed of 30 to 91 meters per second. We sometimes use cattle prods, which are now rechargeable too.
This will be the final paragraph of this week's Abflats post. I will try writing all future Abflats posts at a length of four paragraphs to make up for the many weeks of failure. I don't know how long the four paragraph posts will last, but I estimate that one game could last up to 40 years. Either way, the Mayans cannot reconquer the Arctic Circle for many reasons. The most important reason is that the Mayans never actually conquered the Arctic Circle to begin with. Another quite important reason is that all of the Mayans are dead. Okay bye.
-Griffin
Friday, June 5, 2015
I am the worst ever
okay so like every thursday for the past forever since I have been late on all posts I have had busy plans busy and I only ever get these plans planned for me during the thursdays time that I am not expecting so I am of sorry please forgive
forty mile long post next thursday i promise
-Griffin
forty mile long post next thursday i promise
-Griffin
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