ANOTHER BUSY THURSDAY

Welcome back to Abflats where the only times the author is busy is during Thursday night and he doesn't plan ahead so you're stuck getting nothing but unfortunate text words.

Here's another Q:

Q

-Griffin

Is it True?

Obviously the worst day in history was not the day maple syrup was invented. That stuff is really good. You can almost put it on anything. I say almost because the only exception I can think of is saloon doors. You know, those wooden, flappy doors that only cover the middle of door frame during the Western times. People wondered why there was so much crime back then, but it call be solely attributed to the fact that flappy, wooden doors that only covered half of a door frame offered literally zero protection against anything on the outside world, including crimes. 

This will probably be the last paragraph of today's Abflats post. It's not because I hate you, but it's because you're a Fig Newton and cannot tell time. If you could tell time, this whole paragraph would be a huge misunderstanding. Luckily for me, you're a jelly filled treat. What are your outer parts made of? Cookie material? I cannot comprehend the ingredients that go into making Fig Newton shells, and it causes me neck cramps just thinking about it. Don't migrate to North Arkansas.

-Griffin

Stupendous

Hello. Have you ever known anyone from Wisconsin? Maybe. Statistically speaking, however, it is much more likely that you haven't even heard of Wisconsin. Like, only about 5.8 million people live in Wisconsin. That's way less than one percent of the entire population of the Earth. It's like .08% of the population. If the earth was made up of one person, a .08 size chunk of that person would live in Wisconsin. It's probably his fingernails.

You wouldn't believe me when I told you that if you decide to stand up, you increase your chances of standing tenfold. Or maybe even tri-fold. Really, if you're standing, there is a huge chance that you're standing. And if you're standing, why aren't you sitting? If you were sitting, the chances of you to be standing are nearly zero. Almost exactly zero. Exactly zero. That's only if you're sitting, though. If you're playing piano, then you're not standing or sitting. No one ever mentions the position you sit in when you play piano. Mostly because it's basically sitting but with a few side effects. Heartburn is the biggest one.

Today, the biggest threat to bees is bees. Bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees bees. They're the biggest threat to bees. Oprah is a close second. Third is held by Ultra Duster Industrial Strength Air in a Can Duster Can Compressed Air Cans. You wouldn't really expect it, but salad is fourth.

-Griffin

 

 

 

Seventy Eight

Is it likely that someone as competent as a walnut would run a store for a clothing franchise? Probably not. But walnuts are more competent than they lead you to believe. It's said that walnuts have been listed as one of the 38 substances used to prepare Bach flower remedies, which are a kind of alternative medicine promoted for its effect on health. However, according to the Cancer Research UK, "there is no scientific evidence to prove that flower remedies can control, cure, or prevent any type of disease, including cancer". What the United Kingdom doesn't know is that neck cancer is not a scientifically supported cancer, therefore walnuts do the trick just fine.

On an unrelated note, walnuts are made of about 6% starch, which is probably why they taste so starchy. Really though, if you were to invest your money in a walnut farm, you would have little economic precedent for which to go by. The last known case involving walnuts was Purple vs. the State of Ohio, where many witnesses were called to state their claims that "walnuts are cool, yo". All of these witnesses were literally just purple rectangles printed off on standard 8.5x11" copy paper. The State of Ohio claimed a swift victory.

It was an truly outstanding day when the cello was made. Of course there should be something bigger than a violin, and of course that something shouldn't be as big as a bass. That was exactly the thought when the scientists of the late 1600s decided to make another string instrument. Because those were common back then. They were quoted as saying, "yeah we don't have rocket ships yet so lets make more instruments". That's why all scientists were deaf back then.

-Griffin