The Bacon

As you may have already guessed, it is Thursday. And Thursday means that tomorrow is Friday. And Friday means that tomorrow is Saturday. And Saturday means that the first day in the week that starts with an S is today. Some of you may be wondering why that makes a difference. Well I’ll tell you. Not now though. There are too many watching. Anyway, what I wanted to talk about today was the Bacon.

Many of you are unfamiliar with the Bacon. Mostly because I just made it up. The Bacon is a very devious creature. It can be found in many places across the world. Except Kuwait. Anywhere but Kuwait. From my studies, I have found that the Bacon can weigh up to 100 parsecs to the east, and only 51 to the south. I have also found that it can only live under certain conditions. There must be space for it to fit, and there must be light waves traveling through it. Luckily, those conditions can be met almost anywhere on Earth. Next I found that the Bacon’s primal instincts tell it to vanquish thine enemy. What that means and what that has to do with the Bacon, I’ll never know. I just was told by the Bacon to say that so I did. That’s it. Leave me alone about it. Gosh. Clerks.

Anyway, I read about this guy that actually discovered the Bacon. If I remember correctly, his name was Mr. Honorable Professor Sir Veteran Captain the Artist Formerly Known as the Pope Prince Dr. Duke Richardo Rickington Esquire Jr. Sr. IV, PhD. He’s a pretty nice guy. I remember him from that Quick and Loans commercial. Doesn’t have a great voice though. Look, the point is, he did not, in fact, invent Dr. Pepper. I know we were all interested in that. I wasn’t. You probably weren’t either. But we were all interested in knowing  if Mr. Honorable Professor Sir Veteran Captain the Artist Formerly Known as the Pope Prince Dr. Duke Richardo Rickington Esquire Jr. Sr. IV, PhD invented Dr. Pepper. Can’t we all just get along with pine trees and stop being so treeist? 

Wouldn’t we all like to know what flavor they can be? If they knew that they weren’t a flavor that they had accepted would they be sad if they took the liberty to eat pizza? Probably not. But I can say, for a fact, that my goal for today is to go to the bathroom outside my pants. You cannot take that goal away from me. Those are the best kind of goals.

In conclusion, this list of reasons is shorter than advertised because of three reasons:

1.       It only contains this reason.

Until next time, I’m the Batman, and you’ll be reading more new stuff next Thursday.

-Griffin